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99% of BBC licence goes to pay for Gary Lineker's crisps

An inflation busting rise to the license fee was deemed necessary, as Mr Lineker has increased his crisp consumption ten fold. Despite cutbacks to the service, costs have spiralled to maintain his lavish taste in ear muffs and to keep Alan Shearer in silk stockings.

Notoriously the BBC's highest earner, he has exclusive use of the secret helipad in the Blue Peter garden.

Executives admit to supplying the TV star with unlimited Teletubbies and his own private access to David Attenborough.

Half of all programming now features Mr. Lineker's smug face. but only those with wide-screen can see his lugs. Viewers have accused iPlayer of exposing us to too much of Mr. Lineker, just like his shorts throughout the 1980s.

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