Israel expresses interest in Iceland's volcanoes

The Israeli Defence Force have formally asked Iceland if they can borrow 'some of those lovely volcanoes'.

An IDF spokesman said 'We enjoyed that thunderclap thing Iceland did at the Euros, but we're not quite sure if we could weaponize that. What we want is a few pyroclastic flows charging down the full length of the Gaza strip. We want a tidal wave of molten rock, several miles wide that fills every tunnel, turns the sky red and destroys everything and everyone – really get biblical on their ass. It is the Holy Land after all.'

'It would help us to uproot Hamas. It might even demolish a bit less of Gaza's remaining infrastructure and kill fewer journalists and civilians but please be assured, those are secondary considerations.'

In a separate development, the IDF put out another statement distancing themselves from Iain Duncan Smith.

Image: Ása Steinarsdóttir (@asast) | Unsplash Photo Community

FIFA seeks sponsors for Christmas truce football game in Gaza

'Call us lovably innocent and child-like,' said a FIFA spokesman, 'but we really think that something wonderful will happen on Christmas morning in Gaza, with Hamas fighters and Israel Defense Force troops emerging from their trenches and striding across the rubble-strewn wastelands towards each other – hands outstretched - to swap seasonal good wishes and offer each other cigarettes.

'Furthermore, we fully expect a jolly game of football simultaneously to ensue, and we are now opening the bidding for sponsors for this sublimely heart-warming event.

'The 2023 Gaza Spontaneous Seasonal Soccer Game (TM) needs an official soft drink, an official beer, an official time-keeper, and an agreeable five-star hotel for FIFA executives to stay in - free of charge - throughout this unique and life-affirming event.

'We’ve been surprised to learn that some people doubt that the IDF and Hamas will spontaneously decide to kick footballs around with each other to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Saviour, the Prince of Peace – on the basis that neither side are Christian, and they simply hate each other too much.

'All we can say is that in our experience, if you are a multi-national corporation and you are prepared to shovel very, very large amounts of cash in the direction of the things you want, you can generally buy quite a lot of wonderful surprises for yourself.

'So just send your usual, huge cheques to our usual bank account in Switzerland and seize the chance to be connected with an up-coming Christmas miracle in the Holy Lands which will be remembered by consumers forever!'

Image: Newsbiscuit

One famous Palestinian not very happy about what’s being done on his birthday

Remarked the renowned carpenter's apprentice: 'I was hoping for the usual frankincense and Lynx Africa deodorant set. Instead, I got the IDF kicking in the stable door and shooting the wise men in the head. It’s been a month without clean water – and not a Brussel sprout in sight.'

'Normally the worst thing about having your Birthday at Xmas is that you get half the number of presents. Now the worst thing is that there are no children left alive to act out the Nativity. And I was hoping for a white Christmas and all I got was white phosphorus.'

'Easter always used to depress me, because of you know what, but now they’ve ruined Christmas – even more than Cliff Richard. Everyone wants Peace on Earth... except in Gaza it seems.'

Image: Simone Dinoia (@erraticframe) | Unsplash Photo Community