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GB News ‘devastated’ by the death of their only viewer

Updated: Jan 9, 2022



The GB News presenters and crew were said to be shocked and saddened by the news that their only viewer passed away yesterday. They were even more shocked and saddened to hear the news first from the BBC.


Tom Thirkettle, 75, had watched the channel since it first aired. His daughter June described him as a one-off and said although he would be greatly missed there was consolation in knowing he died doing what he loved best, shouting in agreement at another Dan Wootton monologue.


For GB News, Tom’s passing means a temporary hiatus in the scheduling. A spokesperson told us, “Having just the one viewer did have advantages in that presenters could take time off if we knew Tom was not in front of the TV. Like that time he was unwell and had to recuperate upstairs. But now we need to find a replacement and quickly. Perhaps we’ll advertise in the Guardian.”


When asked if it was worth the effort, they said they took a dim view of any suggestion that they should call time on the station. Although with their lighting setup they admitted they took a dim view of most subjects.


However, GB News did at least get a chance to pay a very quick tribute to Tom this morning when a viewer from Essex tuned in for a couple of minutes during the Great British Breakfast, before hastily departing again, presumably looking for an adult channel.






British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’

Ron Jenkins resigns as viewer of GB News

GB News official viewer, Ron Jenkins of Clacton, has announced his resignation citing repeated targeting adverts.


"It became very difficult", explained Mr Jenkins, "Obviously, I enjoy the veiled racism, and the reassurance that Brexit is a great idea - I'd drink a toast to that, if the shops hadn't run out of beer for some reason. But the targeted adverts became overwhelming - when an advert came up saying 'Ron, it's your turn to take the bins out', I realised that being the only viewer for a TV channel has it's drawbacks."


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