Parents relieved: grades of privately educated cherubs CAN be bought after all

A 97% inflation in private school grades has put the minds of rich parents at ease. After years of dismay that their dim spawn might have to suffer equivalent grades to those achieved in the state school system, the private education sector has finally pulled its finger out when it comes to enhancing grades on an industrial scale.

One parent who preferred not to be named snorted, "I was profoundly concerned that having spent tens of thousands on De Pfeffel Jr.'s education, he might not acquire the grades I had paid for. But I am satisfied that this newly invigorated Department of Education has finally come to its senses. In the real world, when I bribe people, I get what I want. De Pfeffel Jr. must learn that he doesn't have to work for anything and can buy his way in or out of whatever he chooses. Like that marvellous chap, Prince Andrew.

A response from the Department of Education stated, "We want to make it perfectly clear that this is in no way unfair. When a pupil cheats on a test in order to receive a higher grade, then that is cheating, and they will be severely punished. When entire private schools of great repute cheat all of their grades, then that is merely ensuring that wealthy parents are getting value for money. Their investments have to pay out, or there might be a perception that private education is unable to offer significant benefits over the state school system. And no one wants to see that."

Artificial Intelligence used to complete teenager's art GCSE

Following the successful completion of a previously lost section to Rembrandt's 'Night Watch', where the computer has added images of a man standing, a boy running and a drunken painter mooning, the technology has been deployed to help GCSE students in Art get a decent grade.

'The economy is highly dependent on young adults being able to crayon effectively, particularly between the lines, and this software will help them do just that,' said an AI expert today. Brandon Hedges, 16, is notably enthusiastic when actually awake. 'I couldn't get a decent grade in art thanks to lockdown,' he insisted, although his art teacher Mr Marples disagrees. 'Hedges is a lazy bastard who can't hold a crayon the right way up, but at least the software saves me from predicting a bare pass for the useless prat,' he said between supping pints of stout in the staff room. 'I'm not allowed to predict a fail, apparently. It has to be a grade. Fail is definitely a grade,' he added.

Brandon's final submission titled 'a line I drew' was originally a line in red crayon delivered diagonally across a sheet of lined A4 paper. The modified AI version shows an intricate scene where Brandon is running and his art teacher is mooning through a window. The AI creator admitted that the software does have a limited imagination. 'Just like all sixteen year old art students,' he said.