The fizzy drinks industry can breathe more easily thanks to the latest plans to solve the carbon dioxide crisis, which has meant millions have gone without their fizzy pop thanks to a shortage of nose-tickling bubbles.
Dr A Pepper, an expert in fizzy-ology explained: ‘The current shortage is due to people breathing unfairly. If people would only breathe out at least double the amount they breathed in, then we could squirt more CO2 into bags containing limp salad and make your Cherry Cola (*sings C-O-L-A COLA) as burp-worthy as it was in the good old days. Trouble is breathing in feels good, but everyone knows breathing out causes marital strife due to garlic, onions and curry, so people do it less.’
C02 is also used in the meat industry to stun animals before slaughter. The animals are told that trees breathe out oxygen and breathe in CO2. Animals that understand this surprising apparent reversal of nature are so stunned they don’t notice the sudden appearance of a bloody great bolt gun and go to their maker wondering if they could take GCSE biology.
In an unconnected development famers in Denmark have invented the self-barbecuing cow. The methane connected at the entrance and exit of the bovine alimentary canal is stored in a basic BBQ set up under the cow itself. Once enough gas has been collected the apparatus ignites automatically and the cow is cooked in its own emissions.