Vet decides to put Rishi out of his misery

Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'

We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.

The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'

Image: Couleur - Pixabay

Sunak 'gaffe pool' winner tries to collect winnings early

A group of aides to the Prime Minister faced a dilemma today when one of them declared he'd obviously won the 'gaffe pool' and demanded his winnings.

'You all laughed at me when I said he'd blow off the D-Day veterans - but he did, so pay up.'

However, the others reminded him the criterion is the worst gaffe Sunak makes in the whole election campaign, and there are still several weeks to go.

'The D-Day thing... yeah, still can't quite believe he did that. But I think there's still time for much worse to happen,' said one aide, who's bet on him setting fire to a homeless shelter.

'Too right,' said his colleague, whose money is on Sunak pissing on an orphaned refugee. 'And I need the money, since I'm going to be unemployed on July 5th. No one's going to employ a former Sunak aide, they probably think he's doing all these things on our advice!'

'I'm afraid he’s right,' said a third guy. 'I thought I'd won when he asked the Welsh if they were looking forward to the football.

'You've got the cringe phoney bloke-ishness, combined with forgetting that Wales and England are different countries. For anyone else, that‘s as bad as it could get, right? But with Sunak... frankly, we can't call it until the election's well and truly over. He might even get the name of the country wrong in the concession speech.'

Image: Hermann - Pixabay

The end is in sight for the '1000 year Rish'

At its peak the Tori empire stretched from the sunlit Sussex uplands to the frozen wastes of the Red, White and Blue Wall. Now all has turned to ashes as the Starmer Steamroller and the Reform barbarian hordes converge to crush the few remaining pockets of resistance.

Even when the ruling junta had trumpeted it had ‘taken back control’, it was undermined by a constant series of daring commando-type raids by the legendary cross-Channel Small Boats flotilla, some ironically from Dunkirk. And the plummeting of morale has led to the once-disciplined officer elite now being dubbed ‘The Deserting Rats’

Der Sunak is now trapped in a bunker deep below Downing Street. He has tried to rally his (very) few remaining troops with promises of new ‘wonder miracle’ policies, such as compulsory conscription for seven-year olds, an octuplet pension lock and reduced taxation for multi-billionaires. He has also been working on an inspirational speech that begins “We will fight them on the beaches (unless there is a clashing TV interview)”.

Der Sunak refuses to accept defeat, and has vowed to continue the struggle from a mountain redoubt in California. It is rumoured that there is a U-Turn boat moored at Westminster, packed with gold and umbrellas ready to whisk him away when the inevitable happens.

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay