Team Sunak spend D-Day rewriting CVs

Political advisors who were once jubilant at being chosen to be part of the Prime Minister’s election campaign team have spent the day attempting to delete any association with Rishi Sunak after his massive D-Day faux pas.

One Spad told Newsbiscuit he had altered his CV to pretend he spent this period of his career in prison for drowning kittens to make it appear better to prospective employers than to be truthful.

'Sorry PM, I know I should be coming with you to help shore up the Tory vote in Yawnfest-Under-Shitwater, but I've got a job interview.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

H/T sirlupus

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image from pixabay

Rylan to host Channel 4's election night coverage

Channel 4 has announced the team of political pundits who will maintain its world-beating coverage of the UK General Election on the night of 4th July.

Heading up the incisive analysis will be Rylan Somebody. A spokesman stated, "We hope that Rylan will get behind the big issues and pull everyone that night. Oops! Pull everyone together. Oh dear, that's not much better, is it?"

Rachel Riley will be on everyone's hand to take charge of the numbers as they come in. "It seems likely that the Tories might go for none from the top, whether they want to or not."

Financial analysis will be provided by Blackpool's Mr Austerity, Pete Sandiford from Gogglebox. "Viewers are well aware of Pete's experience and insistence on cutting unnecessary expenditure - like heating and lighting - and how to make a single potato last a week for a family of five. We are hoping to have a dedicated section that evening where Pete and Lee Anderson share tips."

Sustainability and ecology will be the responsibility of Gordon Ramsay. Although outside his usual area of expertise, it is expected that Gordon's forceful character will influence the climate to change its behaviour. "Look! That's too hot! Much too f*cking hot!! What are you trying to do here? You need to turn things down! Way f*cking down! Starting right now!" etc etc

The spokesman concluded, "We had hoped to confirm the inclusion of Simon Cowell, but it's all very dependent on whether the monthly face injections will have set in time to put him under the hot studio lights.

image from pixabay