Already utterly exasperated with the utter w@nk being churned out by politicians and news media? Us too.
The trick to surviving it is to take your shoes and socks off and walk around on the rug barefoot, making fists with your toes. Who knew?
And then maybe blow the sh*t out of Nakatomi Plaza.
image from pixabay
Hamleys are reporting record queues as children and their dads hope Christmas will come early for them if they can get their hands on a set of Scalextric battlebuses to bring some excitement into what promises to be a somewhat mediocre election campaign.
We sent a work experience reporter to Hamleys flagship Regent Street store to check out how the battlebuses perform on the test track the store had set up. He told us that everyone wanted to play with the red Labour one, because it was bound to win, that the blue Tory one moved at the speed of a hearse and that nobody could work out why the satanic dark Reform UK one would only go backwards.
The orange Lib Dem bus had a tendency to change track all the time and the Green Party was represented by a group of protesters placed at random positions on the track to slow the race down.
A spokesbrat for ToyszoWus told Newsbiscuit of their disappointment that Scalextric hadn’t introduced the battlebus range before they went bust as it may have saved them.
Image from pixabay
The Tories announced today that, if re-elected, they would bring back rationing.
”It’s not that the country’s particularly short of food, though we’re working on that too,” said an unnamed cabinet minister today. “We just feel there’s not enough hardship these days. People have become too complacent, assuming they can just help themselves to as much as they like from the supermarket, or rather food bank.”
The move is part of a grand strategy of returning to wartime conditions, which will include the reintroduction of national service, Radio 4 to go back to being called the Home Service with all announcers wearing dinner jackets, “and nothing but the Andrews Sisters and Glenn Miller to be played on… what’s that new music station called? Oh yes, Radio 3.
“We may even require people to spend the night in the nearest bomb shelter whenever a siren sounds. Of course, there won’t actually be bombs… unless of course we find the public aren’t doing as they’re told, in which case all bets are off.
“I know it sounds bizarre, but most Tory voters remember the war as a wonderful time in their lives. This is probably our last chance to get a vote out of most of them before we have to bite the bullet and modernise our policies. I might even have to drop my opposition to decimalisation.”
Hearing of the proposed changes, the BBC announced that from now on it would broadcast the Tory conference with a warning that it “may contain language which, although authentic to the period, modern viewers may find offensive”.
image from pixabay
