Spectacular Irony fail as resale sites fume over clampdown on their grossly inflated ticket prices

The irony that concert ticket resale sites claim a plan to force them to sell at face value will drive fans to buy from unscrupulous sources at inflated prices, has stunned almost no one.

Eric Spivly, spokesman for the some say exploitative and seedy industry association said: 'It's crazy. If this is passed it means soon we'll be no longer able to fleece the public legally. The days of striping gullible mugs £6,000 for Adele, Swifty or other big acts' shows will be gone. How are our directors going to maintain millionaire lifestyles then? Penthouses and boats in Monte Carlo don't pay for themselves you know. 

'It's the public I feel sorry for,' added Spivly, with not even a hint of sanctimony. 'If they can't buy tickets off us at eyewatering prices after our bots have hoovered them all up minutes after release, it will see the true fans having to go to independent operators outside the venues just like the bad old days. Sometimes these unlicenced chancers have been known to charge up to £250.'

When reporters asked Spivly if he'd ever heard the word "irony" before, he replied, 'Stop changing the subject. I know nothing about scrap metal.'

Photo by pippen on Unsplash

How to grow tomatoes on a cramped tour bus. By me, Liam f**kin’ Gallagher

Touring takes it out of you, man. If you want fresh fruit and veg, you’re gonna have to grow your own on a big bus cramped with sweaty dickheads.

First of all you have to remember the tomato is a vine native to South America, it likes it hot and humid. No f**kin’ euphemisms please.

Right! Make sure you’ve got the right growin’ material. Most of you lot will have set up weed farms in your mam’s loft before now, so you know where to get the shit from. If the coach driver gets a bit f**kin’ ‘5-0’ on ya, tell him they’re not actually growbags from Homebase, they’re weed cakes. He’ll be fine, coz he knows he’ll get a cut.

Now, don’t get f**kin’ poncey with your seed varieties. Gardener’s Delight is a good all-rounder, like Jackie Grealish. Little cherry tomatoes are good for snackin’, but f**kin’ rubbish for sarnies and chuckin’ at paparazzi. And your big, fat f**kin’ beefsteaks are only good for mushin’ up into pasta sauce if you’ve gat a w*nky brother that thinks he can cook, or slicin’-up to hula-hoop on your cock when you’re bored and off your t*ts.

Don’t get all weepy either if f**k all’s happenin’ ten minutes after you’ve sowed the seeds. They’ll take a week or so to germinate, so chill your boots, man. When they do, give them as much light as possible during the day, alright? Even when you spark-up, do it over the little plants, but don’t drop f**kin’ hot rocks on them, like a knobhead, yeah?

Keep the plants hydrated. If you’ve used all the water on the bus washin’ your dirty kex, use lager, but let it go flat as a f**kin’ Coldplay album first, toms don’t like their lager fizzy, ok? And don’t give ‘em none of that craft ale shit. You don’t want your beefsteaks actually tastin’ of f**kin’ beef, or whatever shit that’s made from. Trust me, I’ve been there, lol.

Use old roaches to support the stems when brittle and easily damaged, like our kid’s ego. And as the main stems grow, use the drummer’s sticks to support them, that f**ker’s always too mashed to notice. He plays with wooden spoons most gigs.

Using the soil as an ashtray is fine, there’s vital minerals in ash. Just watch out for roadies having a Jodrell in there. You don’t want any of their Neanderthal DNA mutating your crop of plum toms into lookin’ like their actual f**kin’ hairy b*stard plums, for f**k’s sake.

Enjoy your crop, man. Next week I’ll be doing spuds in the sesspit under the bog. At ease. LG out. X

Photo by Rafael Corrêa on Unsplash

Gallagher brothers reunite to create world's longest eyebrow

In news that has taken both the world of pop and male facial hair by surprise, Liam and Noel Gallagher have set aside their differences to get back together.

Seeing the Gallaghers side by side again will create a major landmark event, the reunion of one of the world's most popular bands and an almost continuous eyebrow that can be seen from anywhere.

Liam Gallagher said. "I’ve been living a lie for years, man, I hate having to shave between my eyebrows, its not normal, like my relationship with Noel, we shouldn't really be separated"

Noel Gallagher followed up by saying, "I know a lot of people have frowned on the idea of us getting back together again, but let me tell you if me and our kid both frown at the same time, it can cause a tsunami in Canada."

Critics wonder whether it will be a success, Noel has always had a real chip on his shoulder about not being a proper front man, now he'll have a real chimp on his shoulder instead.

Critics believe next year’s tour is going to be a huge event, nothing like it will have been seen since the early nineties or the early Pleistocene.

Photo by Bob Coyne on Unsplash