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Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab

Updated: Nov 20, 2021


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The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin Man" Rees-Mogg, and Dominic "Scarecrow" Raab, in order to secure help in the Tory Party finding it's way home. This was caused by a terrible storm of back-handers which physically lifted the Tory Party into the air and dropped it in what turned out to be familiar territory. On encountering the Wicked Witch of the Centre-Left, Kier Starmer, in the House of Con-Mens, Boris raised his fists shouting put 'em up, put 'em up, then ran off when Starmer actually did.


Rees-Mogg, famous for his caring attitude to victims of flammable cladding, and Raab, whose grasp of important import-export routes in the UK is the stuff of legend, will accompany Johnson in his quest. They hoped to be cheered on their way by The Back-Benchkins, but will not be joined by Nicola "Dorothy" Sturgeon, renowned for singing "somewhere over in Glasgow". Many of the Back-Benchkins are Friends of Dorothy, but are rather too coy to come out and say so.


They hope to make "much progress, very soon" but have been warned of the difficulties with border checks when trying to enter the home of the Wizard, The Emerald Isle.






COP26 ended by Patel raid for suspected foreigners

Updated: Jan 12, 2022


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Despite COP26 taking place in Scotland and it not being her patch, Home Secretary Priti Patel has led a raid on a Glasgow conference centre. Directing the charge into the main hall, a wide-eyed and moderately salivating Patel pointed at anyone not looking or sounding entirely British. Border Force officials operating completely within the remit of new 'buildings suspected of containing foreigners' laws rushed through parliament last week, set about the crowds like windmilling baton machines.


Some viewers were said to be 'horrified' and 'couldn't understand why delegates were not being bludgeoned on a basis of their clearly labelled lanyards stating which country they were form.'


One transfixed viewer commented, 'It was a total bloodbath. An army of Border Force tough guys set about the crowds like they were clubbing baby seals. It's probable some genuine Brits were caught up in it all, but that's their own fault for associating with those sorts.'


The raid was described by a Conservative Party spokes-toff as. 'Possibly not the best look for an international conference on saving the planet, but it should go down very well with Conservatives on the south coast. As long as they know unnecessary harm is being inflicted on suspected foreigners, then they are happy. And that's the most important thing here.'


Boris Johnson was claimed to have expressed surprise at the raid. 'I thought the Home Secretary was supposed to clean the house and make my dinner?'


In what was clearly an unpleasant atmosphere of choking smirkiness, events took an ironic turn when in the ensuing frenzy Priti Patel herself was accidentally deported.






COP26: 'Behold, for I am the saviour of the world' Johnson heard claim

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


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It has been claimed Boris Johnson has personally taken credit for saving the world from falling into the abyss following the underwhelming conclusion to the COP26 conference in Glasgow.


'I did it. It was all me, Doomsters and gloomsters say it's a bad result, but I simply say piffle and nonsense. Look, on an auspicious day like today, it's an amazing victory, one which would never have been won were it not for my amazing ability to get the job done.' a cock-a-hoop Mr Johnson was overheard boasting.


Mr Johnson’s spokesman explained: 'How did he do it? Well, once again he’s simply lying through his teeth, and as he told Alok: do the same if anyone asks any tricky questions. It's been a proven winning strategy.


'In a few weeks' time when the world realises just exactly what has been achieved, it will be too late. But significantly, the PM won't give two hoots, because you see, he'll have had the bounce from this in the popularity polls and the idiotic British electorate will think he’s fab again.


'Then all he need do is lie completely doggo for a couple of years, pop up again in time for the next general election; hide in a few fridges while on the campaign trail, speak to no one dangerous in the media, and simply tell massive whoppers one after another at rallies. That's certain to see him returned for a second term.'






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