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Man who enjoyed BAFTAs finally admits sleeping through the whole thing


Colin Jameson, 38, of Newport Pagnall has finally admitted to family and friends that he slept all the way though this year's BAFTAs.


Jameson, of Acacia Avenue, arrived at work on Monday, fully prepared to join in all the conversations about this year's awards ceremony after having seen a thirty second clip on Good Morning Britain. He quickly memorised the big prizes and was ready to comment on the frocks should the occasion arrive.


Colin's wife Carol told us, “When he came to bed Colin told me he really enjoyed the awards and started going on about dresses and Cumberbatch but I could hear him snoring from upstairs where I was watching Dancing on Ice in the bedroom.”


“I first became suspicious when he told us how funny Rebel Wilson's jokes were,” said co-worker, Steve Andrews. “It was utter crap." he told our reporter. "I watched the first few minutes and even I had to switch it off and I like Mrs Brown's Boys!”



First published 16 Mar 2022


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Govt ministers doing TV round will ditch facts in favour of barefaced lies




It's being reported today government ministers doing daily TV studio rounds will no longer seek to defend the catastrophic shambles they call governance. Instead, they will simply tell barefaced lies on policy and performance.


First in to bat was Home Secretary, James Cleverly. Is that still his job?


Without even a sightly shifty sideways glance, he insisted all legacy asylum cases have now been dealt with one hundred percent as per the party's previous claim, regardless of what factchecking agencies say.


When challenged that his statement was nothing more than a laughable attempt to cook the books, Cleverly stuck his fingers in his ears and said: ''Tizn't, tizn't tizn't. It's  jolly well true... so there.'


Further scepticism only drew a double down response: 'We've done it. Yes, believe me, I should know because I'm a government minister, and we've now decided on the Cabinet WhatsApp group that anything we say is true.


'Therefore, I'm also delighted to be able to announce the 7 million plus NHS waiting list has now been trimmed down to a single Scunthorpe man called Alan, and that's just an ingrowing toenail op. We are clearly the most competent government this country has ever seen.'

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Pol Pot to host Good Morning Britain


Following a long line of illustrious war criminals asked to host the show, the dead dictator said he was delighted to rejuvenate his image while chatting about fluff. His agent said: 'Anecdotes about mass graves are just some of the top bantz Pol can bring to the job. Alistair Campbell really opened the door on that one, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.'


It is not the first time that Susanna Reid has been forced to share a studio with a colossal bell end, but at least this one is not married to Yvette Cooper. Richard Madeley is said to be disappointed to have been overlooked for the role, but he does not have Pol's likeability.


An ITV executive said: 'We've been accused of whitewashing the reputations of crooks and killers but that was Britain's Got Talent'



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