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Fiscal black hole to be solved by fraud initiative

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The government has run a trial project identifying benefit fraud where claimants leaving the UK for more than eight weeks have their benefits stopped. Claimants are expected to stop claiming in these circumstances but many don't.


The government set fifteen investigators who reclaimed £17M. They are increasing the number of investigators to 200 and hope to recover £350m.


'If that works we'll increase the investigator numbers to three million and we should be able to close the £80B black hole overnight,' said a government spokesman. When asked if some of the investigators could be used to look into large scale tax evasion by billionaires his microphone mysteriously cut off and he developed a serious cough so we'll have to get back to that question in a decade or three.




Government refusing to confirm Black Death outbreak


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The government continues to deny an imminent plague pandemic, despite disturbing warnings and signs that keep popping up.


Journalists are demanding to know why September 1-8 was suddenly chosen to be Black Death Awareness Week.


Households in Norwich were sent an inexplicable "bring out your dead" SMS with the added info that "collection is planned for Tuesdays". However, the National Health Service insists this is just a routine drill to keep people prepared for hypothetical health scares.


"We have to think of a worst case scenario" said an NHS spokesman, who also warned people not to be alarmed by the invitation to download the Report-a-Rat app.


Other concerned citizens have noticed public service announcements instructing them to pull over to the kerb when they see a cartload of putrefying corpses in their rear view mirror, reminding them that "plague victims have the right of way under the 1346 Road Traffic Act".


However, the police have called for calm, insisting this is just "part of our ongoing efforts to make Britain's roads safer and ensure smoother traffic flow".


Meanwhile, in London, council employees have been spotted marking crosses on doors, using a laser to keep a safe distance.


Most alarming of all, Boris Johnson has appeared in public wearing a beak-shaped plague mask. But his spokesman assured journalists that it's "more of a fashion statement, really - a metaphor for the toxic political environment that brought about his downfall".


When asked to comment, Mr Johnson was less than helpful. "Is that a giant bubo on your groin or are you just pleased to see me?", he quipped.



First published 24 Aug 2024



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Government axes Space Agency, declaring ‘Why go into space when we’ve got the London Eye?’

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In a bold move which will save approximately £17.50 per year, the UK government has announced the immediate closure of the UK Space Agency (UKSA), citing ‘unnecessary duplication’ with the British ability to look upwards in awe during cloudy evenings.


A government spokesman explained, “We’re not really in the business of sending people into orbit anymore. Tim Peake has already done it, and to be honest, we didn’t know what to do with him afterwards. Tim’s a lovely chap, but we can’t just keep firing him into the sky every time morale dips.”


The UKSA, established to give Britain a voice in the global space race, will now be merged into the Department for Levelling Down, which has promised to ‘repurpose any leftover rockets into affordable housing’. Critics argue that axing the agency will set back the UK’s technological ambitions by decades. In response, ministers pointed out that ‘we’ve still got a telescope in Greenwich, and if anyone wants to see the view from space, Google Earth is free’.


The government has also hinted at a new strategy: instead of launching satellites, the UK will ‘borrow Wi-Fi from France’ and rely on Elon Musk’s Starlink, provided he accepts payment in Nectar points. When asked about the broader vision for Britain’s role in space exploration, the Prime Minister was bullish: “Why aim for the Moon when you can take a coach trip to Skegness? It’s cheaper, safer, and you don’t need a spacesuit - although a raincoat is advisable.”


Meanwhile, the few remaining UKSA employees have reportedly been reassigned to monitor seagulls at Dover, in case they start looking ‘a bit too extra-terrestrial’. The Department for Levelling Down is rumoured to have considered launching rockets full of asylum seekers into orbit as a ‘two-birds-one-stone’ solution, but the idea was scrapped after Treasury officials pointed out that launching rockets costs more than housing asylum seekers in Premier Inns.




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