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The Chancellor's statement on the economy

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In order to calm the turmoil on international capital markets, the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has today issued the following statement to restore calm:


‘I have a plan for growth.  I am not loath to deliver growth.  Zero growth is both no growth and no good.  I will deliver non-zero growth – you have my oath.


'There must be no digression, depression or recession, or a procession and progression of recession.   I will fight recession with aggression, self-possession, the legal profession, and a positive facial expression.


'Austerity is a barbarity, but with dexterity I say, with verity and sincerity, it can become a rarity and be consigned to posterity.


'There are black books, with a black hole and red ink. There is a red wall and green crap and a yellow peril.  But I have a golden rule and the white heat of technology, and I dream in colour. 14 years of Tory mismanagement left us in the shade and off colour.  But soon we will be in the pink.


'The Tories bashed, lashed, mashed, smashed, thrashed and crashed the economy.  The creation of inflation shocked the nation.  No elation, no sensation.   An inflation castration.  An economic sedation. Prices rising for your vacation and your hydration and at the gas station – all causing starvation.


'So, in conclusion: taxes are going up. 

'Big time. 

'Soz.'


Starmer furious the other boys won't let him play soldier


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Peace talks between Putin and Trump look set to go ahead without Field Marshall Starmer, meaning that UK will miss out on a gold opportunity to get shot at.


The PM is said to be incandescent with rage, that his forever war has barely outlasted Rachel Reeves credibility. Instead of a glorious campaign of photo opportunities, Starmer is left having a defense meeting with the French - which an oxymoron.



He has still proposed to increase defense budgets by cutting back on welfare spending – by sending everyone in a wheelchair to the Ukrainian frontline. The PM had been banking on the popularity a war would give him, and the chance to win the Lord Kitchener lookalike competition.


Sir Keir is a real life Action Man, and small enough to wear the toy uniform. Sadly, he will never get to wear is stick-on medals, cocked hat and replica musket – it will all stay in his dressing up box, alongside his pretend socialist hat.


Government to sell off Grenfell Tower, piece by piece


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The Government has confirmed its decision to demolish Grenfell Tower.


The demolition process will take around two years and the tower block will be dismantled brick by brick.


The Government has confirmed that souvenir pieces of the tower block will be available for sale.  It is hoped that they will prove to be as popular as pieces of the Berlin Wall.  The aim is to raise enough money to cover the cost of the Grenfell enquiry.


Each former resident will be given a small piece of their former home, as a memento.  These will be encased in a special presentation pack, including a signed letter of apology from the chair of the planning committee at Kensington and Chelsea council, and a certificate authenticating the fragment of rubble.


Each recipient must agree to pass any sale proceeds back to the government if they sell their memento.


Pieces of the only stairway, which was the only way out during the fire, are expected to be priced at £50.  Pieces of charred cladding will cost £500, reflecting the fact that hardly any of it remains.  The banner saying Grenfell – forever in our hearts’ will be auctioned off separately.


A government spokesman defended the plan, saying that ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ and ‘the sale of mementos will help to deliver the governments plan for growth.’  He concluded by saying, ‘I hope this brings closure for the former residents of Grenfell Tower.’



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