'To the pure, everything is pure,' say Labour's seraphim

'We really resent these allegations that we're no better than the Tories,' said a Downing Street spokes-angel, addressing reporters with a look of wounded innocence on its wondrous face.

'Conservative Prime Ministers took freebies from millionaire donors because they were disgustingly venal and degenerate' the minister of God continued. 'The current PM, on the other hand, took freebies from a millionaire donor because he is so utterly childlike and naive in the ways of the world.

'It would never occur to someone as good as Keir 'Woolly Lambkins' Starmer that anything he did might possibly be bad.

'To the pure, everything is pure.

'The same goes for our saintly chancellor cancelling winter fuel allowances for most of Britain's elderly so she could save a few bob for the Treasury.

'She's so sweet-natured that she'd never have done anything this mean, had it not been for the wicked bastard putrid Tory scum forcing her into it.'

After this, Downing Street press officers ushered reporters into the back garden of Number Ten to see all the cherubim and seraphim in the Labour cabinet cast down their golden crowns and sing 'Holy! Holy! Holy!' in praise of themselves.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Keir drafts his ‘100 day achievements’ list

Keir is expecting to reach his one hundredth day as Prime Minister very soon, so he’s working on his list of achievements.   This will enable his press office to feed an easy story to lazy journalists. The draft list looks like this:

DO MENTION

Great Olympics and great Paralympics – all those gold medals really show what we can do as a nation – and not a penny of taxpayers’ money spent. Thank god for the national lottery (and sponsorship from Aldi).

Sorting out the mess of Tory strikes – I’ve taken difficult decisions and driven a hard bargain with the rail unions. I’ve given the NHS a shot in the arm by settling pay disputes there. (Note to self: ignore any questions about where the money is coming from. Use the ‘broadest shoulders’ line. Don’t mention 14.5% or 22.4% pay increases, as those numbers sound big.)

Sorting out the mess of Tory riots – I’ve been tough on civil disorder and banged up lots of right-wing voters. (Note: blame early prisoner releases on the Tories)

I’m sorting out the Tories economic legacy.   Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all opening new stores – proper shops, selling useful stuff (must check to see if these stores are owned by foreigners).   And I’ve agreed to bung Tata Steel half a billion to appease the steel unions. Difficult decisions!  (Don’t mention the increase in first class post.  £1.65 FFS.  Remember to ask a donor to buy stamps for Christmas cards before prices go up.   2,000 stamps should do it? Avoid talking about the budget – that is going to be a real downer.  Good idea to delay the budget until after the first 100 days. 

MENTION IF ASKED

I have sorted out the Tory mess of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.  I strongly support Israel’s right to defend itself on even dates.  On odd dates, I wring my hands about civilian casualties. (Don’t mention weapons sales to Israel)

Larry the Cat is an outdated hangover from the previous administration, and I’ve taken the difficult decision to bring in a young, energetic and more left-wing cat.

I’ve taken the difficult decision to take away the winter fuel payment from rich, right-wing voters who don’t need it. To everyone who voted for change, this is a change.  Buy thicker vests, for goodness sake. Remember that I have kept my promise on the triple lock.   So far.

DON’T MENTION

Free clothes. Frocks for Victoria costing £5,000. Not on my credit card! (People will say I'm in the pockets of the unions, when I'm actually in the Y fronts of the unions.)

Jeremy Corbyn or Diane Abbott – there’s always something else with them.  Why does she think she's a non-person?

Ukraine using British tanks to invade Russia. Jesus.

Finally finding the time to sort out my Pokémon card collection.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Starmer's suits, frocks and glasses are security risks

A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.

'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.

'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there.  We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.

He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related.  'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus.  Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.

Picture credit: Wix AI