Tories told to embrace opportunities of Pexit

Several Conservative MPs have been encouraged to explore the many opportunities offered by leaving Parliament.

Mr Rees-Mogg said, "We spend 80,000 guineas a year on an MP, that would be better spent on the NHS; imagine how many leeches that could pay for?"

"I can't see any downsides to Pexit", said David Davies, "Only considerable upsides. I'm planning to offer my services as a consultant. I'm assuming I'll still receive my salary and can continue to use my Westminster Office after I leave parliament?"

Image: Pixabay/publicdomainpictures

Tory Masterplan revealed: how the Conservatives will lose but also win the next election

Following the defection of Conservative MP Dan Poluter to Labour by simply crossing the floor, it has been revealed how the current government will survive annihilation.

'You see, Labour and the Liberal Democrats are naive and very dim,' nansplained forgotten right-wing strategist, Cominic Dummings, dimly and naively letting the fatcat out of the bag. 'They won't see it coming.

'All Conservative MPs have to do is jump ship to whichever party is likely to win their constituency. Then, having retained their seat, they all merely renege on their renege and recross the floor back to the Con Party to reform a majority.'

When asked if that bonkers notion was fundamentally undemocratic, fraudulent, and would leave UK government in a strangulated inoperative state with a majority opposition, Dummings snorted, 'Good Lord, you haven't learnt anything, have you?

'It's not about running Britain well or a patriotic love for the nation. Conservatism is all about personal gain whatever the cost to everyone else and the country. It's a miracle they don't scratch each other's eyes out whenever there's another Tory leadership campaign. And there's plenty more on the horizon because they all want their own crack. Especially that Gove.'

Hat-tip: apepper

Image: Pixabay/ sarahlarkin

Extra defence spending will go on 3D printers

Grant Shapps has allayed fears that the extra defence spending announced by the Prime Minister might result in a return to conscription.

Following a series of visits to Shaanxi Province, China in which cabinet members marvelled first hand at the terracotta army built for Qin Shi Huang, the first Chinese Emperor to protect him in the afterlife, government ministers have been concerned for their welfare when their time in office ends and concluded that they too might benefit from having terracotta armies of their own in their afterlives.

Expert pottery consultants advised the government at a cost of £15bn that they had left it too late to fire the volume of clay that would be required; and in any event, since the education policies instigated when Michael Gove was Education Secretary have resulted in a generation of workers unable to discern shit from clay, there’s a high probability of inappropriate materials being used.

Instead, Tory doners from the 3D printing industry have promised the government it could acquire an army made from plastic within the time frame needed if it places an immediate order for 175 XP1500pro 3D printers.

Newsbiscuit’s defence correspondent explained “It’s always been foolish to imagine Conservative governments would regard defence spending as intended to protect anyone other than themselves.”

Image: Pixabay/kaboompics