Rishi reveals his masterplan

Following the press statement by the Prime Minister the inevitable questions have been circulating.  When are they going?  When is HE going?  What airline is foolish enough to take Rishi's money?

We are going to answer all of these questions and more.  Unbeknownst to the general public the Prime Minister has avoided the potential embarrassment of failing to find an airline willing to risk its reputation by flying the refugees by dipping into his small change piggy bank and has bought British Airways.  He did consider buying RyanAir, but felt that was a low blow, even for refugees.

To avoid the problems with getting staff to fly the plane the Prime Minister has been learning to fly, mainly by cadging front row seats from Tory donors and by playing Flight Simulator on his X Box.  His first choice had been to train Liz Truss, but she only seemed capable of crashing things. 

The three hundred or so trained staff are actually all Tory MPs - predominantly those forecast to lose their seats once Sunak calls the election.  The motivation is that the nastiest MP on the flight will be promised the safest seat come the election, so unfortunately, we might not have seen the back of Gullis.

Finally, in answer to the continued questioning whenever Sunak claims the Rwanda flights are the 'will of the people', which has confused many pundits.  The people it is the will of are the people sat behind him in the House of Commons.  As most of them are forming the security detail they will still be sat behind him, all the way to Rwanda.  Here's hoping he's as inept at fuelling an aircraft as he was with a Kia.

Image: Pixabay/PublicdomainPictures

Government to legislate against raised eyebrows

With the right to hold a peaceful protest legislated against successfully, and with personal freedoms trampled on with impunity, the government has proposed its most far-reaching raft of laws to limit public discourse. 

'We are going to make raising a single eyebrow in a show of scepticism illegal,' said a government spokesman today.  'For too long the public have been raising a single eyebrow which deputises for "oh, really?", and undermines the purpose of the government which is to - er - govern and leverage as much money out of the system as possible,' he added.

Maverick members of the public are determined to get around the ban by learning how to wiggle their ears and raise their top lip Elvis-style. 

'Or, we could just vote the w@ankers out of public life,' suggested approximately forty million registered voters.  

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

NHS overstretch linked to government shooting itself in the foot

Researchers into the NHS have identified that the increased waiting lists are not directly linked to the ongoing doctor strikes, as suggested by the government, but into the constant stream of self-inflicted injuries by Conservative MPs over the last 14 years.

'We thought the high spot was Brexit,' said a trauma doctor today.  'Self-harm on a national scale is unusual and led to multiple issues for the NHS despite the carrot of £350 million a week being dangled, but it has been eclipsed many times over,' he added.

'Rishi Sunak's much vaunted Eat Out to Kill More People was a doody, eclipsing slightly the PPE shortage created by ignoring the WHO warnings while encouraging people to mingle at international football matches and huge horse racing meetings.

'But more recently we've seen a major increase in hypertension, heart attacks and burst blood vessels over flights to Rwanda, Bibby Stockholm and anything that came out of Lee Anderson's mouth until he defected to reform.  Now Reform has to take some responsibility,' said the doctor.

A government spokesman denied the issue was with them.  'Unless Angela Rayner pays back the £1500 tax experts suggest she doesn't owe then heart attacks, heightened blood pressure and spontaneous frothing at the mouth will continue to rise,' he said.  'Everything that is wrong in the UK is Labour's fault,' he added.  'It's their fault they've been in opposition for fourteen years, it's not like we made their job of winning difficult!'

Shoe Foot Nature - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Home