Pontius Pilate outlines banned groups

Roman Governor Pilate confirmed today he will no longer talk to the following groups, ahead of next week’s Passover celebrations:

• Anyone against the occupation of Judea by foreign troops

• Any person who has overturned - or is planning to overturn - money lenders’ tables in the temple

• Anyone else who feels first century capitalism might perhaps need some reform

• That bloke campaigning for reduction in hypocrisy amongst religious and temporal leaders, world peace and equality for all. Can’t remember his name.

Mr Pilate confirmed from now on he would only be interviewed by people who agree “at least 90% with everything I believe”. ‘What works for clever-old me should work for everyone’ said Pilate. ‘Doesn’t matter whether it’s schools or the civil service. If you’re not smart or rich enough to do well in my systems, well, blame whatever god you happen to believe in. It’s not my fault.’

A spokeswoman for Jesus said ‘While we are disappointed to be outlawed, persecuted and facing almost certain death, it won’t be in vain. Two thousand years from now there shall a Gove from Scotland come forth, and, as Jesus’ loyal servant, will keep all His commandments. Although the Gove will also somehow agree 100% with Pilate’s approach. And stop the boats, whatever that means. Don’t ask me. I’m only the prophet, not the interpreter. ‘

Image:Pixabay/Airgilstudio

Conservative Party to be included in list of extremist organisations

Michael Gove’s list of groups that he says fall foul of his definition of extremism is to include the Conservative Party.

In a surprise move, the communities secretary will say the Tories are one of the organisations that pose a threat to democracy.

“Over recent months, this country has been a rise in extremist activity – and the Conservatives are at the forefront of it,” Gove will tell the Commons, according to his leaked speech.

“The party has restricted the right to protest, limited the right to vote, restricted citizenship and – most extreme of all – made up some bollocks about the shape of bananas.

“And then there was that twat who put Michelle Mone in the VIP lane for a PPE contract. Oh shit, that was me. Sorry.”

Gove will tell government bodies that they must not under any circumstances fund or even engage with the “extremist” Conservative Party.

“It’s a case of mob rule among the Tories these days,” he will say.

“Just look at them – they’re like a bunch of primary school kids on acid.

“They used to be moderate but they’ve become so extreme, Genghis Khan is thinking of standing for them at the next election.”

Image: Pixabay/aitoff

Monopolies Commission 'concerned' about next election

Polling appears to suggest that Labour are on target to gain at least 105% of the seats in Parliament, given a Standard Deviant score of three MPs per constituency. The Monopolies Commission, which has for decades argued against an alternative commission to monitor monopolistic agencies, believes that other parties should be given a chance.

'People seem to be concerned about Green issues, but the Green MP voter seems likely to be halved,' said a Monopolies Commission spokesman today, admitting that half an MP is unusual.  'The Liberal Democrats will be lucky to get a quarter of a seat, according to National polls,' the spokesperson said. adding, 'and the Conservatives are looking at getting fuck all squared. Seems to be about right, but we are concerned about the Greens,' the spokesperson said.   

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin