top of page
Search

Eclipse prompts new Trump slogan - “Make America Bright Again”


ree

In the wake of the solar eclipse that passed across the United States today, Donald Trump unveiled a new slogan - “Make America Bright Again”. “This never happened when I was president,” said the Republican candidate, now busy campaigning for the November election. “Just remember, under crooked Joe Biden, you don’t even get reliable sunlight during the day.


“When I was in power, the sun shone all the time, the weather was perfect. It never rained, except when farmers needed it, in which case it rained exactly the right amount and only on their fields.” He then set out a plan to build a wall around the sun so that the moon won’t be able to cross in front of it in future, explaining that the builders wouldn’t be burned to a crisp because they’d do it at night. “And they’d be Mexicans anyway, so it wouldn’t matter.”


Hearing about his opponent’s statement, President Biden rubbed his temples and said that half of America could indeed do with being a bit brighter. He then issued a warning that Trump’s face had now become such a bright orange, it wasn’t safe to look at it directly without special glasses.




Advice from the National Cyber Security Centre may have compromised PM’s passwords


ree

In a blogpost made in 2021, the National Cyber Security Centre advised that three random words can provide the most effective login password to defeat hackers.



Newsbiscuit has learned through leaked documents, that it appears that unaccountably, government ministers were revealing their three-word passwords in the three-word slogans they adorned their lecterns with.



Cyber security experts are likely to be spending the rest of the year trying to establish how many times Rishi Sunak’s STOPTHEBOATS password was breached by Russian and Chinese spies, but think a parody lectern used in Newsbiscuit cartoons with slogans such as STOP THE VOTES may have helped as a distraction and be seen in time as equally valuable as the efforts made in WW2 by the Special Operations Executive (SOE).


Rishi insists Tories ‘stick with the plan’ for national impoverishment

ree

Like a stuck record, Rishi Sunak today repeated his latest mantra that the Tories need to ‘stick with the plan’ when faced with impending electoral oblivion.

When pressed on what exactly the ‘plan’ was, the Conservative Government boldly pointed to their 'five point plan' and key achievements:


1 - Leaving almost everyone poorer than they were when the Tories came to power.


2 - Destroying Britain's post-war relationship with Europe and introducing extra tariffs, costs and travel disruption for no reason at all, other than not liking Johnny Foreigner.


3 - Sowing needless discord and division with confected race wars, because we think there might be some votes in racist bigotry.


4 - Undermining the National Health Service to the point of collapse, because we just don’t like ‘socialist’ ideas like free health care for all.


5 - Leaving housing unaffordable for everyone but the very wealthiest Tory donors.


A spokesman went on to boast:

‘When you look at these metrics, there is no question that the Tories have outperformed expectations over the past 14 years. We really have made exceptional progress in destroying the economic and social fabric of the country. But that is not all – oh no, we are now planning to take our plan much further. The Prime Minister is full of bold and innovative ideas for the future, liking making everyone learn maths until they are 65 and making it compulsory to wear trousers that are far too short, so then everyone can look like a gormless dork – not just the PM .’


bottom of page