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UK government plan to extend voting rights to dogs


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The Conservative government today announced that they are planning to extend the franchise to include dogs.

Just like Brexit, dogs that live and work (and pay taxes) in the UK will only be eligible to vote if they can prove their British pedigree and credentials.


Some critics denounced the move as the latest in a series of desperate attempts to rig the forthcoming election, after introducing stringent ID checks for younger people, allowing retired ex-pats who have paid no tax to have a vote for life, and changing the electoral boundaries.


Nonetheless, others have cautiously welcomed the move. A member of the Lib Dems noted that compared to the 2016 Brexit vote and the 2019 General Election – when millions were consistently hoodwinked by bluster and buffoonery - dogs were likely to use their vote much more wisely than the broad electorate.


A spokeswoman for the RSPCA also noted that, ‘Dogs may not be able to detect pathological liars but, nonetheless, they do have a very keen sense of smell, and so they may well be able to sniff out professional bullsh*tters from a mile off – which could have a significant impact on the results of the next General Election.’




Sunak removes whip from Enoch Powell


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The prime-minister has defended his timing after removing the Conservative whip from Enoch Powell on the fiftieth anniversary of Powell leaving the party of his own accord and over twenty years since he died.


"It is important to give people a chance to make amends" said Mr Sunak. "But having given Mr Powell 50 years to change his opinion on the naming of the Commonwealth, its right that he understands he cannot cross the leadership."


It's understood that the Conservative Party had planned to use Mystic Meg to contact Mr Powell to deliver the damning verdict, but after Mystic Meg's death, she's become even more mystical so the minister for Fairy dust and Unicorns is being moved from his Brexit duties to contacting the dead.




Only 20 Prime Ministers until polling day

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The government has set a cap on how many more Prime Ministers it will allow to run the country before the next General Election.  'Twenty, tops,' stated a government spokesman, adding, 'and only that many if we can stop the lunatics having a vote.'  It isn't clear which lunatics he was talking about, but the consensus is that any attempt to eliminate lunatics must be a good thing.  Therefore, any attempt to eliminate any of the current Tory MPs automatically eliminates some lunatics.



'Now that Hunt has found £20 billion of headroom, there must be an opportunity to bring back Truss, she'll blow it in no time' suggested one MP, while another suggested that Boris coming back 'for a day or so' could see that headroom safely allocated to a chum on the VIP lane.  Other MPs think that there should be opportunities for previously untried Prime Ministers.  30P Lee Anderson thinks he'd make a great PM, as long as Labour promise not to sniggle, while Priti Patel thinks a smirking PM could be a real asset.  Most of the potential PMs are thought to be MPs at greatest risk of losing their seats - the pension of £125k per annum index linked for life each is thought to be a significant motivator.



'We'll probably have a leadership challenge next week, and the week after,' the spokesman said.  'It won't serve any practical purposes, but at least the country won't be watching the rest of us syphon wealth away while the spectacles continue.'


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