Government blames Royal Family for election pledge failures

A spokesman for the government has claimed the Royal Family, specifically King Charles and the Princess of Wales, are stopping them from completing their 2019 election pledges.  'There's forty hospitals waiting to be opened,' said the spokesman, 'but with the King's prostate and the Princess supine we can't find enough Royals available to cut the bloody ribbons,' he ranted.  'They offered Prince Andrew, but the Prime Minister's ratings are already at an all-time low, there's no way we can risk that,' he added.

As well as the hospitals, which will sit empty until a suitable date for ribbon cutting can be arranged, there are multiple other improvements that are waiting for the Royal Family to catch up.  'There's twenty thousand potholes in Blackburn Lancashire alone that need filling and resurfacing - no point mixing the tarmac until we know somebody with blue blood can declare the roads drivable again,' he said, 'plus all those new prisons, community centres, libraries we've been saving for election year, all scuppered thanks to the bloody Royals.  

'I suppose the ribbon cutting for the first Rwanda flight will have to wait as well,' he sighed.

Image: Pixabay/ichigo121212

Citizen army not feeling it

Demands by the UK’s top brass that we all train for war with Russia, have been greeted with a wave of apathy, normally reserved for cleaning the lint out of your belly button. The nation has raised a two-finger victory salute and then flipped it, was a healthy dollop of FU attached.

General Sir Patrick Sanders, who is yet to diagnosed as insane - but all the signs are there, said that the nation could not afford to make the same mistakes of 1914. Ironically the mistakes we made in 1914 was listening to warmongering buffoons like himself. He talked of a ‘pre-war generation’ implying he was all aroused by the idea of the next war.

The reason we need to enter conflict with Russia seems to be based on the premise that it’s been a jolly long time since the last big war and our Generals are bored. Observed one savvy, coward: ‘Russia already owns most of central London, why would they want to invade the rest? Slough is not that great.’

Image: Pixabay/GidonPico

Philosophers baffled as non-existent Northern Irish government goes on strike

Philosophers at the University of Belfast have admitted they’re baffled to learn that the government of Northern Ireland, which effectively hasn’t existed for two years, has gone on strike.

No one can now remember what caused the Stormont Assembly acrimoniously to break up two years ago, though it’s thought one side described it as “a legitimate and peaceful demand” and the other as “Popish knavery”.

Whatever the reason, Northern Ireland has effectively had no government since then, leading many to wonder exactly who or what has gone on strike today.

”Can a man who is already doing nothing cease to do it?” mused Professor Patrick Fitzgerald. “Wouldn’t that mean he was doing something? It’s a knotty one…”

His colleague, noted Descartes expert Professor Gerald Fitzpatrick, decided it was best not to think about it and promptly ceased to exist, at which point he was invited to become Minister for Transport.

image from pixabay