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Walking around London 'a lifestyle choice' says government

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The government has added to its list of lifestyle choices it wants to stop, after successfully making providing flimsy shelter to homeless people in winter an offence. 


'Walking around London carrying placards expressing concern for people being bombed and shot is clearly a lifestyle choice, and therefore will be banned,' said a government spokesman. 


He listed drowning at sea as an acceptable lifestyle choice, while surviving drowning at sea as a clearly unacceptable lifestyle choice. 'We're not going to ban every lifestyle choice - we're not monsters,' he said.


'Well. maybe Suella is,' he added.


COVID Inquiry Latest...


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Baroness Hallett: Thank you for joining us, Lord Stevens. I know you are a busy man.


Lord Stevens: Anything I can do to assist, Baroness Hallet. I feel that this is a very important matter.


Baroness Hallett: Very well. Perhaps we may begin by getting your broad overview of the government's actions during the COVID lockdown, and its impact on the NHS whilst you were its Chief Executive.


Lord Stevens: There was a government...?


Government clarify not giving a sh*t means that they'll start charging for it


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Theresa Coffey has clarified the government's excrement position by explaining that not giving a shit means that she'd be charging "£20 a lump" and that people should be "jolly grateful" for that deal.


"I don't see why my valuable outpourings should just be flushed away into the local river, so, as projections suggest that my personal income may be on the decline after the next election, its prudent to tap this new money source. I'd give it ten minutes if I were you, and that'll be £40."


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