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Unions only allowed to strike at night time


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Both main political parties are backing new legislation to limit the scope of industrial action to just leap years and during a full moon. The government explained: 'Your name must have an X and a Q in it, you must be over 7ft tall and you have to hold your breath for over 3 minutes.'


Unions have complained that this is restricting the right to protest, particularly the bit about having to wear a gag: 'We've been told all picket lines need grade eight in violin and we have to pat our head and rub our tummy at the same time.'


An MP said: 'Furthermore, you will not be allowed to strike, if you have a job.'




Government agrees to allow people to dream - grudgingly


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A government spokesperson stated today that the government agrees it has run roughshod over the aspirations of the population. 'The youth of today dare not dream of owning a house, of having a worthwhile career, of a decent society,' he said. Acknowledging that the government is likely to face the toughest election since 1997, he said they had decided on a change of policy.


'We will allow people to dream of owning a house. We want them to be able to imagine having a career. We're not going to do anything to enable these aspirations, of course, but they have our permission. If they vote us in next time we'll add a few more items to their wish lists, such as hoping not to freeze in their parents' home, but don't hold your breath,' he said.


Most of remaining government time to be spent apologising


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The government has set out a timetable for it's business leading up to a general election in 2024 and and the vast majority of the days are allocated to apologies.


A newly set-up Department of Contrition has published several white papers, which it hopes will cover most of the major calamities visited on the country in the last 12 years.


"Grenfell is the start.", said a grim faced spokesman. "We've managed to find a few spare days when Mr Johnson isn't on holiday to make a start on what we expect to be long process of regret. Liz Truss is believed to have cleared her diary for the next 18 months."



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