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Queen asks Paddington to form new government


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During a break in filming their Platinum Jubilee sketch, the Queen was overheard asking Paddington Bear to form a new government of national unity or ‘marmalade coalition’.


A spokesbear roared ‘We’re getting Brexit pursued by a bear done. In terms of candidates for the top jobs, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh and Bungle from Rainbow coming in. Paddington was considering Rupert the Bear too, but in common with many Ruperts, he’s a right little Tory. Our policies will include hourly flights to Lima and a rapid increase in the UK’s duffel coat production.’


Once captured, Boris Johnson will be moved to London Zoo, but if he is unable to stop flinging excrement and masturbating then he will be humanely destroyed.


image form pixabay

Government to announce plan to help SUV drivers park their cars


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In an audacious plan to revive his flagging popularity, the Prime Minister has announced that from tomorrow morning, all parent and child parking spaces, along with the ones allocated to the disabled, will become SUV only parking spaces.

We asked for clarification about the motivation for this move, but the civil servant we spoke to told us if we could ask her again in a few hours time, she'd be able to lets us know whether it was more than her job's worth to answer honestly. or if in a few hour's time, she was in receipt of her P45, she'd be keen to discover if her story was worth a few bob, or at least enough to be able to afford a bag of yellow-labelled pasta to feed her kids with.


Deirdrie Spigot, the civil servant we spoke to, who asked that we didn't reveal her name, but we felt obliged to when Rupert Murdoch expressed an interest in adding Newsbiscuit to his portfiloio, told us she thought is a bloody disgrace that she will now has to wheel her elderly mother from the far side of the supermarket car park to discover that her mother had forgotten what she wanted to go to the supermarket for, but enjoys shouting obscenities at people she suspects own SUVs told us she is hopeful the insanity of current government policy might end with the demise of the current leader, but is fearful of Insanity 2.0, Johnson is replaced with anyone from the cabinet.


Deirdrie's husband however, applauded the decision as the most sensible thing a government has ever done. "At last I can park my SUV in a parking space and be able to open the doors" he said.


MP accused of making porn during PMQs


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Following the scandal of MPs downloading illicit material, it now transpires that one Minister may have been using the Prime Minister and Sir Keir Starmer as unwitting props.


Confessed the MP: ‘I just started uploading clips of their exchange, with provocative titles. It started with ‘Big Boy Boris gets a spanking’ and ended up with ‘Nation gets shafted’. With Boris and Keir, I couldn’t think of a larger pair of c$nts’


Image from Pixabay by StockSnap


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