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No. 10 celebrates new Covid high score with meeting that isn’t a party


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Record breaking levels of the omicron variant have led to fears of the return of lockdowns, home schooling and Joe Wicks.


Wearing a Christmas jumper and with tinsel draped over a party hat, slightly sozzled Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Everyone’s getting this cool new hip and happening variant. It’s a total vindication of Boris’ twin strategies of herd immunity and letting the bodies pile high.


On an unrelated note we’re playing Twister at our work-meeting-that-isn’t-a-party. Our plan is to save Christmas, then close the borders to keep foreigners out and our rabid base happy. But we won’t have an official lockdown because that means paying for furlough and Rishi did not look happy about helping people. Plus venues will close and we really want the creative arts to suffer because anyone with a soul hates us. Job done I’d say.’






Government credibility found in Bus Shelter


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A member of the public has found the government’s remaining small shred of credibility in a bus shelter in Kent.


‘I almost didn’t see it, but somehow it caught my eye,’ Joyce Robinson said. ‘It was a small, unpleasant looking thing on the seat, so my first instinct was to brush it off. Something made me take a closer look though.’


After taking it home and looking at it under a microscope, Mrs Robinson realised what she had found.

A government spokesperson confirmed that the credibility had been reported as missing shortly after the government was formed.


‘I am just glad it was found,’ they said. ‘I mean it could easily have been missed as it is so small, y’know after it has suffered so much – the post-Brexit Northern Ireland situation, the way contracts have been awarded, the ignoring of Priti Patel’s bullying, not shutting the border to India early enough.’


‘The the Cummings/Barnard Castle fiasco, the ‘totally f-ing useless’ text, Boris boasting of having shaken hands with Covid patients and then going into intensive care with the virus, the way care homes have been treated in the pandemic, not taking any steps to ease the broader social care problems, Jennifer Arcuri – and now, the final straw, Hancock being caught snogging his mistress.’

‘

Anyway, I’m just glad we’ve got it back. It is now perfectly safe here on my desk. Wait a minute, where’s it gone? It’s completely disappeared! Oh god, what has one of the clowns done now?’






Govt: 'Clifftop rambles in force ten banned but tightrope walks on pylons still perfectly fine'


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A spokesman for the government today announced new and immediate emergency legislation forbidding members of the public from walking along the very edge of all cliffs in a force ten gale. However, he did confirm it is still perfectly fine to perform a tightrope walk between two electricity pylons carrying a charge of up 400,000 volts while using a 12 foot aluminum balancing pole .


'It's very important people are aware of the dangers of walking along clifftops in high winds. They must understand that doing so is not advised under any circumstances and has now been outlawed,' said the spokesman, adding 'we must all play our part to protect everyone and minimise a possible tsunami of smashed-up people overrunning an NHS that is already at breaking point. That's the sort British spunk and sacrifice that saw us defeat Hitler after all.'


When one libertarian correspondent suggested the government was implementing a nanny state by stealth, the spokesman denied this, pointing out there were no plans currently to ban those wishing to indulge in, 'Festive high jinks and pranks at Christmas parties, for example. Parties still allowed despite a clamour of calls to the contrary.


'Boys will be boys, and of course as far as the PM is concerned, jolly larking around, as long as it's responsibly, with high voltages is fine. Nevertheless, we shall keep a close eye on the science here, although after the draconian measures of last year Boris feels the nation has earned the right to be cut just a little slack.'






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