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Government confident of a gold medal in the wine fridge bobsleigh

As the country's usual bunch of spineless losers try to work out how to put on a pair of snowboards, great things are expected from the British wine fridge team. The Sports Minister was positive about their chances. 'This is our chance to win gold and finally hold our heads high amongst the winter sporting elites.' 'We've invested massive amounts of funding in bringing ourselves to this point. We spent a hundred and forty-four quid on the wine fridge itself, thirty-four bottles of the 1975 Chateau Lafon Rochet at seventy-nine pounds a pop and two large suitcases from Tesco at £79.77 each.' 'Of course, we have to keep a wary out for the Italians and the French who are practically opening wine-fridges as soon as they can walk. However, our hard-working athletes have been working around the clock, learning how to strap themselves to the wine fridge and hurl themselves down the slippery, icy track of certain death. It's jolly exciting. The only thing that comes close is being chased around Poundland by a pair of Doberman Pinschers.' 'We've asked for the event to take place between 4 pm and 7 pm on a Friday when our team are at their peak of physical fitness.'

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