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Restraining order to keep Government away from country


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The High Court has issued a restraining order that requires the government at least 5.5km or "a bloody bargepole" (whichever is longer) from the United Kingdom.


In his judgement, Sir Peter Roth (97), said that to avoid further damage, Rishi Sunak's government should immediately move outside the 3 nautical mile limit. When asked where they should go, Sir Peter initially replied, 'Don't tempt me'. But then he suggested Rockall.


When it was pointed out that Rockall was a bleak granite islet 230 miles west of the Outer Hebrides, Sir Peter was seen to smile and he replied.: 'Yes, I know.'


photo: Photo by Markus Laanisto on Unsplash



First published 4 Sep 2023


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British government leads the world in identifying crumbling schools says minister

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The Schools Minister has told Newsbiscuit that no other government in the world has identified more crumbling schools in danger of imminent collapse than the current Conservative one, so it’s an achievement the government is very proud of.



“Every year since the Conservatives came to power in 2010, we’ve added more deathtraps to the list” he said. This isn’t something the Labour party will tell you they did and it’s important that people know at the next election, that the Labour party never even made a list of crumbling schools.”



When asked why nothing was done to address the risk these schools present to the lives of children and staff, the balding twat said “Obviously the current government can’t be held to account for what happened under the Cameron, May, Johnson and Truss governments and we have to move on, but what I will say is they worked hard to enable Britain to exit the EU and enjoy all the benefits that brought.”



We asked when he anticipated the closed schools would be able to reopen but were told it’s impossible for him to say, because an election will be happening at some time and if the voters are fickle enough to vote for a different government, the matter would be out of their hands and in any case, it depends on how long it would take to import the materials required for the repairs to be carried out.




First published 3 Sep 23


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Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people


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Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”


The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.



First published 26 Aug 2022



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