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Lee Anderson broke 30p spending limit, refused to attend spending awareness course

Writer: Steveb
Steveb
May 22



Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party, Lee Anderson, has expressed regret at exceeding the national spending limit of 30p in built-up areas.


The government department for Getting Senior Ministers Off, now the largest sector of the Civil Service, said, 'Mr Anderson should have known better, as it was he who imposed the 30p spending limit himself. He approached us about attending a specially organised one-to-one spending awareness course, but we were already overstretched getting the former Attorney General Suella Braverman off all the laws she has been breaking.'


Rishi Sunak has denied that he knew about Lee Anderson's transgression which took place last summer. He also denied keeping that nugget in his top pocket until such time as 30p Lee might undermine his position in an attempt to become Prime Minister himself, to then use it as a shot across his bows, or even as the reason to sack him from his senior position in that special way which can only be referred to as a resignation.


In an unrelated fiasco, Suella Braverman has claimed that she already knew everything there is to know about speed after a night out with Michael Gove.




First published 22 May 2023


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Stand off over baked potatoes

Writer: deskpilot
deskpilot
May 22

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes.


The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis.


M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato...


'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket potatoes is wafer thin. You'd think potatoes were cheap, but our wastage rate is 97% because we will only accept the very best. And each jacket is individually curated in its own protective traylet, and served with precisely 57 baked beans (don't ask) and 24 grammes of artisan cheddar.


'Contrary to the nonsense on TikTok, we do NOT buy our cheese from Lidl.


'We have to pay for wages, packaging, curation, social media, authentic potato smell, wastage, shoplifting, dividends, taxes, political donations, and executive pay. It all adds up.'


A government spokesman said, 'Yeah, right. Spuds are 50p a kilogramme retail, so a jacket potato should only cost 10p max. Twenty pound potatoes are seriously buggering up our inflation figures. If M&S won't play ball and cut their prices, then our only option will be to take the cost of vegetables out of the inflation calculations completely. We'll replace them with own brand instant noodles, as they are really cheap. Then we'll have the cost of living permacrisis properly under control.'


image by Google Gemini

Government department urges more Royal deaths

Writer: ModelMaker
ModelMaker
May 21


The Department for Culture, Media & Sport has pointed out that as the Queen's funeral went on for the best part of a fortnight and only cost £162m, it was far better value for money than any other entertainment provided by the nation's broadcasters.

It has urged other members of the Royal Family to consider how their deaths are part of their duty to the nation and when appropriately timed, help assuage the misery of modern life.


image from pixabay



First published 21 May 2023


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