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Maxwell offered immunity on condition she doesn't give evidence

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In a plea deal thought to be the first of its kind, Ghislaine Maxwell has been offered immunity from prosecution on condition she doesn't turn states evidence and tell the justice department everything she knows.


"Sure, it's kind of unusual," admitted US Justice Secretary Tommy Fratboy, a recent appointment of President Trump. "It's more common to offer minor criminals immunity in return for their testimony against kingpins. It's in the public interest to catch the big fish, even if it means letting the little fish go.


"But in this case... er... look, the whole Epstein thing is such old news, why are people still obsessing about it? Seriously, there's so much going on that's more interesting. Have you seen the new season of the Kardashians? That Kylie Jenner sure is hot! And then there's sport - how 'bout dem Cowboys?"


He added that he'd certainly never been to Epstein's island himself, if Epstein even had an island, which he couldn't confirm because he'd certainly never been there.


However, other senior government officials consider it risky to release Maxwell even under conditions which amount to a super injunction.


"We've been talking to our colleagues in Britain, who say there's somewhere we can put her which guarantees she'll never be seen or heard from again."


Asked what it's called, the official said "Well, this might be a typo, but it says here it's called 'Mrs Brown's Boys'."


Image from pixabay


Political party colours to be used in supermarket goods traffic light campaign

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An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.


A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.


The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.


Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.


Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.


image from pixabay


Low risk prisoners will provide social care

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The Government says that prisoners will replace immigrants in providing social care.


Visas for foreign care workers are being scrapped. The work will instead be done by low risk prisoners.


The Government says that this is a win-win. The scheme frees up prison places, trains convicts to help them get work on release, and reduces costs for social care providers who will not have to pay the prisoners for their work.


But charities supporting the elderly are worried about the scheme. They believe that elderly people will learn bad habits from their carers, and may end up running romance scams, drug rings or illegal immigration schemes. Old people in care may have no compunction in turning to crime. If they have sold their homes to pay for care, then they may turn to crime to get revenge.


Colin Dodd, aged 971/2, is disappointed. 'Where are the robots? We've been promised robots for ages but I reckon they are too expensive, don't work and have all been swiped by the rich.


'I've got nothing against criminals - after all, someone has to run the country. And I've got nothing against healthcare workers . They are all very badly paid, apart from the ones who work for agencies. Them lot are coining it in - premium rates, triple shifts, overtime, the lot.


'I reckon a robot would be more effective, more patient and better spoken. If possible, I'd like to be looked after by Buzz Lightyear. He'd be able to find my teeth, remember than I'm quite deaf, and help me to achieve my dream of learning to fly.'




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