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Zack Polanski revealed as 4KG savoy cabbage in a tailored blazer



An investigation has confirmed that Green Party leader Zack Polanski is not, in fact, a human being but a sentient, highly ambitious Savoy cabbage masquerading as a politician.


The probe, which involved a reporter disguised as a bottle of organic seaweed fertiliser, found that "Polanski" is the figurehead for a secret cabal of root vegetables aiming to overthrow the UK government and establish a Vegetarian Socialist State.


The Cult of the Cabbage


The investigation found that the Green Party has largely abandoned environmentalism in favour of a "Cult of the Cabbage." Insiders reveal that party meetings are now mostly silent affairs where members stand in a circle and attempt to photosynthesise.


"It’s not just about the planet anymore; it’s about the purity of the soil," whispered one source. "Zack—or 'The Great Brassica' as we have to call him—is obsessed with identity politics. If you aren't 100% heirloom, you're a weed. The rhetoric has become increasingly divisive and exclusionary, with some members concerned that the party's new 'Soil Purity' laws are a thin veil for deep-seated anti-Semitism and the targeting of anyone who doesn't fit the Cabbage’s vision of a 'pure monoculture.'"


The Manifesto for a Green Republic


Leaked documents from the "Compost Committee" outline the Cabbage’s plans for a post-human Britain:


The McDonald’s Annexation: All McDonald’s franchises are to be seized by the state and converted into "McMarrow" distribution hubs. The "Golden Arches" will be replaced by "The Holy Stalk."


Spiritual Allotments: In a radical move toward "Atheistic Agriculture," all places of worship are to be demolished. Citizens will be assigned a 10ft x 10ft plot of dirt where they must spend their weekends whispering socialist theory to parsnips.


The Purity Police: A new paramilitary unit known as the "Runner Beans" will be tasked with weeding out dissenters. Anyone caught with a leather belt or a non-vegan thought will be used as mulch for the Great Cabbage’s private garden.


The "VINE-egar" Mandate: All citizens must be misted with a light vinaigrette every morning to ensure they are "palatable to the state."


When asked for a response to the allegations, a spokesperson for Polanski simply rustled their leaves and demanded more nitrogen.



Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform


'We've known for some time that family voting is the reason we keep losing elections,' said a Reform spokesman today, following the trouncing in the Gorton and Denton by-election. 'Clearly Welsh families crowded into polling booths to confer during the Caerphilly by-election and now the Muslim vote in Manchester is at it,' he said.


Family voting is where members of a biological family collude - or discuss in normal terminology - on who to vote for. Around the kitchen table or even en-route to the polling station is, technically, illegal but extremely difficult to enforce, however when in the polling station any apparent discussion or collusion is forbidden and constitutes an offence. As if the missus would tell hubby who she really voted for.


'We believe the Muslims colluded and the senior family member instructed his family to vote for the Greens,' said the spokesman. When asked if he had any evidence the Muslim voters, especially the male family leaders, were colluding to ensure that the Green party won he confirmed the suggestion. 'They are naturally attracted to white female figures answering to openly gay, white, Jewish leaders, it's in their culture,' he added.


'If it wasn't for that inherent inbuilt natural bias they would have voted for the party that wants to deport them when in power, naturally,' he added.


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