Zack Polanski revealed as 4KG savoy cabbage in a tailored blazer
- scottfutile
- 3 days ago
- 2 min read
An investigation has confirmed that Green Party leader Zack Polanski is not, in fact, a human being but a sentient, highly ambitious Savoy cabbage masquerading as a politician.
The probe, which involved a reporter disguised as a bottle of organic seaweed fertiliser, found that "Polanski" is the figurehead for a secret cabal of root vegetables aiming to overthrow the UK government and establish a Vegetarian Socialist State.
The Cult of the Cabbage
The investigation found that the Green Party has largely abandoned environmentalism in favour of a "Cult of the Cabbage." Insiders reveal that party meetings are now mostly silent affairs where members stand in a circle and attempt to photosynthesise.
"It’s not just about the planet anymore; it’s about the purity of the soil," whispered one source. "Zack—or 'The Great Brassica' as we have to call him—is obsessed with identity politics. If you aren't 100% heirloom, you're a weed. The rhetoric has become increasingly divisive and exclusionary, with some members concerned that the party's new 'Soil Purity' laws are a thin veil for deep-seated anti-Semitism and the targeting of anyone who doesn't fit the Cabbage’s vision of a 'pure monoculture.'"
The Manifesto for a Green Republic
Leaked documents from the "Compost Committee" outline the Cabbage’s plans for a post-human Britain:
The McDonald’s Annexation: All McDonald’s franchises are to be seized by the state and converted into "McMarrow" distribution hubs. The "Golden Arches" will be replaced by "The Holy Stalk."
Spiritual Allotments: In a radical move toward "Atheistic Agriculture," all places of worship are to be demolished. Citizens will be assigned a 10ft x 10ft plot of dirt where they must spend their weekends whispering socialist theory to parsnips.
The Purity Police: A new paramilitary unit known as the "Runner Beans" will be tasked with weeding out dissenters. Anyone caught with a leather belt or a non-vegan thought will be used as mulch for the Great Cabbage’s private garden.
The "VINE-egar" Mandate: All citizens must be misted with a light vinaigrette every morning to ensure they are "palatable to the state."
When asked for a response to the allegations, a spokesperson for Polanski simply rustled their leaves and demanded more nitrogen.
Image: ulleo - Pixabay
