Zack Polanski needs bodyguards 'to protect him from himself'

Green Party leader Zack Polanski has been assigned a team of bodyguards who will accompany him at all times. 

The passing of the motion that “Zionism equals racism” means that the Green Party is no longer a safe space for Jews - not even its leader.

The bodyguards have instructions to look out for Polanski launching any surprise attacks against himself, especially since 'that’s just the kind of sneaky thing Jews would do.'

Polanski himself says he didn’t ask for this extra protection, though he admits, 'it’s quite useful when I go to the synagogue on the Sabbath, as everyone there looks like they want to kill me.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Protest voters to back Labour for a laugh?

It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits.

Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens.

'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that.

'And I heard that the other one says he speaks for the Red Cross, but he should be speaking for the Green Cross Code, shouldn't he, if he's a Green?'

'That's when I decided to waste my vote on some lot who are led a total loser and who've got no chance of winning any seats at all. Labour were the obvious ones."

'Labour is increasingly becoming the party of choice for voters who want to have a laugh at this election and who've got a bit bored with clown shows like Screaming Lord Sutch and Ed Davey," said one bemused psephologist. 'Supporting sad-sack Starmer is the trendy new way to put two fingers up to a two-party state dominated by the Greens and Reform UK.'

An unreliable source told us that he had seen Sir Keir Starmer at a polling station in Farrington Gurney dressed as Bozo the Clown, and lobbing custard pies at tied-up labradors.

Image credit: perchance.org

Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer

Reports are emerging that crazy extremist Zack Polanski, who has the gall to lead a political party that might do well in yesterday’s elections, once told someone “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer.

A piece in today’s Timesegraph quotes an unnamed source saying “We were going for a drink after work, and he quite clearly said ‘I’ll just be a minute’. So I waited, but in the event he took more than two minutes - almost three, in fact.

”I’m not in any way a bitter, resentful, pathetic excuse for a human being, but I thought your readers deserved to know the truth about the man who may soon have the keys to no 10.”

There are also allegations that Polanski once left dirty dishes in the sink despite promising to do the washing up, made tea with a spoon that had been used for coffee without rinsing it, and even squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.

The article went on to say that being Jewish in no way proved that Polanski isn’t antisemitic, adding “That’s just the sort of clever thing they do.

”He may also be homophobic despite being a poof - though obviously that’s not a word I’d ever use myself.” 

Image: Felix_Hu - Pixabay

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