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Protest voters to back Labour for a laugh?


It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits.


Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens.


'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that.


'And I heard that the other one says he speaks for the Red Cross, but he should be speaking for the Green Cross Code, shouldn't he, if he's a Green?'


'That's when I decided to waste my vote on some lot who are led a total loser and who've got no chance of winning any seats at all. Labour were the obvious ones."


'Labour is increasingly becoming the party of choice for voters who want to have a laugh at this election and who've got a bit bored with clown shows like Screaming Lord Sutch and Ed Davey," said one bemused psephologist. 'Supporting sad-sack Starmer is the trendy new way to put two fingers up to a two-party state dominated by the Greens and Reform UK.'


An unreliable source told us that he had seen Sir Keir Starmer at a polling station in Farrington Gurney dressed as Bozo the Clown, and lobbing custard pies at tied-up labradors.



Image credit: perchance.org

Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer


Reports are emerging that crazy extremist Zack Polanski, who has the gall to lead a political party that might do well in yesterday’s elections, once told someone “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer.


A piece in today’s Timesegraph quotes an unnamed source saying “We were going for a drink after work, and he quite clearly said ‘I’ll just be a minute’. So I waited, but in the event he took more than two minutes - almost three, in fact.


”I’m not in any way a bitter, resentful, pathetic excuse for a human being, but I thought your readers deserved to know the truth about the man who may soon have the keys to no 10.”


There are also allegations that Polanski once left dirty dishes in the sink despite promising to do the washing up, made tea with a spoon that had been used for coffee without rinsing it, and even squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.


The article went on to say that being Jewish in no way proved that Polanski isn’t antisemitic, adding “That’s just the sort of clever thing they do.


”He may also be homophobic despite being a poof - though obviously that’s not a word I’d ever use myself.” 



Great Election results, say all party leaders



Yes, the May 2026 local and regional elections are done and dusted.  And all the party leaders agree that they got great results.


Zak Polanski is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry East constituency in North-North Norfolk for the Green Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This is a council seat that illustrates the importance of delivering green energy without solar farms, turbines, dangerous wave power or nuclear energy.  And also of removing the unaffordable triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if this result is replicated nationally, we will be voted in at the next General Election.’


Nigel Farage is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry South constituency for the Reform Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This result illustrates the importance of a tough, mean-spirited and uncompromising policy on immigration.  And also of maintaining the unaffordable triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if I can secure further donations to guarantee my security, and if this result is replicated nationally, then we will be voted in at the next General Election.’


Keir Starmer is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry Central constituency for the Labour Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This was, in some ways, a narrow win. But a win is a win.  The result illustrates the importance of, err, change, and delivering change with a laser focus, difficult decisions, broadest shoulders etc.  And also of delivering on the other manifesto commitments, like, err, you know, the triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if I can secure donations for some more free suits and spectacles, and if this result is replicated nationally, we will be voted in at the next General Election.’


The Plaid Leader has rejected criticism of their candidates' performances in all the Dingleberry constituencies and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘Many English voters strongly support Welsh devolution, including our policies to treble council tax on second homes, reducing speed limits to 15mph, doing absolutely everything in Welsh, and not allowing English pensioners to use their bus passes on buses in Wales.  And on pensions.  Everyone seems to mention pensions.  We are confident that we can win over voters everywhere, and that we will be voted in at the next General Election.’


The SNP Leader said, ‘On this occasion, and for one time only, I entirely agree with my Plaid colleague.  Independence now!’


Kemi Badenoch is pleased to have almost taken the Dingleberry West constituency for the Tory Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This very close but catastrophic result illustrates that there is further work to do to expunge the appalling legacy of Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, Dominic Cummings, Dominic Raab, Gavin Williamson, and all the other dimwits who spaffed the Tory party up a wall.  We have a clear policy to scrap Stamp Duty, and will deliver a second policy very soon.  It will probably be about the triple lock on pensions.  We are confident that, if this result is replicated nationally, then the Conservative Party will survive the next General Election and live to fight another day.  ’


Image: . mounsey - Pixabay ’


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