World could run out of Americans by 2030 warns UN

Scientists at the UN have come to the worrying conclusion that Americans face extinction by Americans.

‘If Americans carry on like this, there’s not going to be enough of them to go round,’ said Secretary-General António Guterres.

We were already concerned that a drop in sperm count could drastically affect numbers. Evidence suggests this has been exacerbated by giving lunatics handguns, although it’s more likely to be down to the untimely demise of Ivana Trump.

'Across Europe, tourist industry chiefs have been reporting a dramatic drop in tourists asking stupid questions such as, ‘When will Sherlock Holmes be back? Why do they speak French in Paris,’ and ‘can a semi-automatic assault rifle hurt people?’

‘It’s a massive problem,’ said Mr Guterres. ‘Americans are basically shooting themselves in the foot, or anywhere else, come to think of it.’

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Is this the way to Amarillo? No, this is the road to hell

An independent Texas would make assault rifle ownership mandatory, confirmed a not-at-all insane local Republican official on condition of anonymity. The spokesMan With No Name needlessly fired a Colt 45 into the air before condemning the fictional Republic of Gilead as a liberal swamp.

Failure to openly carry at least one handgun results in a sentence of death, to be conducted by The Wild Bunch at High Noon. Abortion would be illegal but The Good, The Bad and The Ugly unwanted children could be legally gunned down, as long as they themselves were armed. Once Upon a Time in the West being black, gay or Mexican will be Unforgiven, but chewing tobacco into a spittoon could earn a reprieve.

Including the piles of science textbooks being burned, everything is bigger in Texas.

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'Pro-life' US Supreme Court considers rights of fetus to bear arms