Hair | NewsBiscuit

Internet To Be Shut Down For Removal of Giant Pubic Hairball

Danny Soz
Jul 7, 2025

It has been announced that the entire World Wide Web will be closed to all cyber traffic on Wednesday of next week while engineers work to remove a giant ball of pubic hair that has formed in one of the pipes, believed to be under Bermondsey in South London, caused by the sheer volume of pictures of genitalia being shared by people on dating sites and elsewhere.

Workman will insert a giant drain snake, similar to the device used to unclog a domestic bath or sink pipe, at around 6.00 am, hoping to be finished before people log on after work.

The snake, or auger, to give it its technical name, will then be turned manually by up to five hundred burly men, stripped to the waste, until the offending ball of pubes is broken down before being extracted in long sodden strands which will then be recycled and used for wigs, sweaters, and, in the case of some of the finer strands, bleached and woven into gowns for cash-strapped brides-to-be.

An internet spokesman told newsmen: 'We became aware of increasing delays in data flow during the last few months so sent a remote camera down an internet manhole close to where the problem was most severe.

'We subsequently discovered a large ball of matted pubes in the pipework at Bermondsey, almost certainly caused by people sending each other pics of their dicks and growlers via Tinder and suchlike.

'Hopefully, we'll get this one sorted fairly quickly, although we may be delayed and forced to use flamethrowers if the pubes are matted and bound together with any gobs of spadge or fanny batter.'

image from pixabay

First published 7 July 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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