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Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National


'What with the war in the Middle East and the oil price crisis, I guess we all have quite enough excitement in our lives to be getting on with,' said some spokes-foam for the Health and Safety Executive.


'That's why, on the orders of the Prime Minister, we are scrapping the Grand National and replacing it with the Bland National.


'Rather than scary fences and water jumps, runners and riders will trot around an HSE-approved imitation meadow in Essex monitored by civil servants equipped with stopwatches and clipboards.


'This will mean fewer injury cases at our hard-pressed A&E units. Also, there'll be a fairness clause which means every horse wins, and that will save everyone millions in silly bets.'


'I can't see why people are complaining that the Bland National will be a crashing bore,' said Sir Keir Starmer.


'Personally, I'll be on the edge of my seat and glued to the screen, checking that all the new rules and regulations are being followed.'


At press time, Red Rum and Desert Orchid were both heard yawning in their graves.


Image: WixAI

Tourists flocking to Death Valley complain about lack of signage advising of the danger to health


Furious tourists who flocked to Death Valley to experience the record-breaking balmy weather have today confirmed that they will be seeking legal redress after 116 of their number collapsed with heat stroke, 5 spontaneously combusted and 2 physically melted away altogether.


Lawyers have been instructed by several parties to pursue a class action against the State of California after visitors encountered a heat blasted desert, almost completely devoid of sheltering vegetation, and a negligent lack of watering holes for such a world-famous tourist attraction.


Standing next to the enormous ‘DEATH VALLEY’ sign at the entrance to the area, deemed the hottest place on Earth, on the hottest day since records began, Billy-Bob Hillybilly of Fuquitville, Alabama, said: 'I have looked round most all a this here dirt bowl an’ I can quite honestly say they ain’t so much as a Health & Safety information sign. Nor no warning ‘bout the hazard this here place may be to a body, neither. No Sir!'


When asked whether the 10-foot wide ‘DEATH VALLEY’ sign he was standing next to might have been a clue, Mr Hillybilly retorted, 'Well Hell! I didn’t think they was talkin’ ‘bout ma death! D’yer see ma name up there? No Sir! That there sign is ambiguous at best, I’d say.'


The District Attorney for Inyo County, Thomas L Hardy, was not available for comment, but a statement from his office said: ‘Mr Hardy commiserates with the friends and families of the casualties in this incident. He confirms he had seen the vehicles going up in the Death Valley direction, but assumed they from Hollywood, filming the latest movie in the ‘Jackass’ franchise.’




First published 19 Jul 2023


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