Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

'What with the war in the Middle East and the oil price crisis, I guess we all have quite enough excitement in our lives to be getting on with,' said some spokes-foam for the Health and Safety Executive.

'That's why, on the orders of the Prime Minister, we are scrapping the Grand National and replacing it with the Bland National.

'Rather than scary fences and water jumps, runners and riders will trot around an HSE-approved imitation meadow in Essex monitored by civil servants equipped with stopwatches and clipboards.

'This will mean fewer injury cases at our hard-pressed A&E units. Also, there'll be a fairness clause which means every horse wins, and that will save everyone millions in silly bets.'

'I can't see why people are complaining that the Bland National will be a crashing bore,' said Sir Keir Starmer.

'Personally, I'll be on the edge of my seat and glued to the screen, checking that all the new rules and regulations are being followed.'

At press time, Red Rum and Desert Orchid were both heard yawning in their graves.

Image: WixAI