AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all banned as racehorse names

The Jockey Club has taken the unusual step of banning some possible names for racehorses to prevent them battling it out in a future Grand National photo finish.

‘We all know life imitates art’, a spokesman said, ‘and we’re frankly pretty f*cking terrified that one day we’ll hear some overexcited commentator describing AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all racing to the finish. I never want to hear ‘. . . . and it’s Global Warming, Global Warming pushing past AI to . . . no, AI has put on a burst and will end the race first!’ ‘

Online gambling companies, no strangers to suicide promotion, have expressed ‘deep disappointment’ at the move. ‘We’re deeply disappointed at the move’, a spokesman said. ‘Still, if punters can’t bet on apocalyptic horses, the least we can do is offer great odds on the apocalypse itself. We’re currently offering 1,000-1 on mankind being eradicated by Atomic War before 2030. You don’t see odds like that every day. Got to be worth a punt’.

In other news, Donald Trump is believed to have placed a massive wager on all three. ‘Donald is the greatest, and possibly the last, President America has ever had’, a spokeswoman said. ‘He intends to go out with a bang. That’s a clue, have a nice day’.

Image: YenniVance - Pixabay

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Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

'What with the war in the Middle East and the oil price crisis, I guess we all have quite enough excitement in our lives to be getting on with,' said some spokes-foam for the Health and Safety Executive.

'That's why, on the orders of the Prime Minister, we are scrapping the Grand National and replacing it with the Bland National.

'Rather than scary fences and water jumps, runners and riders will trot around an HSE-approved imitation meadow in Essex monitored by civil servants equipped with stopwatches and clipboards.

'This will mean fewer injury cases at our hard-pressed A&E units. Also, there'll be a fairness clause which means every horse wins, and that will save everyone millions in silly bets.'

'I can't see why people are complaining that the Bland National will be a crashing bore,' said Sir Keir Starmer.

'Personally, I'll be on the edge of my seat and glued to the screen, checking that all the new rules and regulations are being followed.'

At press time, Red Rum and Desert Orchid were both heard yawning in their graves.

Image: WixAI