Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

'Stress and depression during pregnancy can negatively impact on the foetus' said Dr Jane Jones of the New England College of Actual Medicine As Opposed To Speculative Bullshit, 'and there is no surer route to stress and depression than hearing Trump speak and realising this is one of the most powerful people in the world.'

Medical authorities later amended the advice to add that Trump should not be listened to by non-pregnant women, or by men, or indeed anyone ever. They also recommended 'relocating out of the USA to somewhere far away where you'll never hear about him, I don't know, somewhere remote like Greenland.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Trump throws a sickie

The White House has published a note, apparently written by the President's mum, keeping Trump off work for another day.

'Donald has a poorly tum and his bone spurs are playing up,' says the note.  'Plus, some naughty boys in the press corps keep shouting names at him.  Names like Epstein and Andrew.'

The note concludes that 'Donald will be back at work once a full pardon is announced.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Energy Drinks ban for under 16s, barring the excellent BEAST CAFFEINE+

The government is planning a new law to stop under 16s buying energy drinks such as Red Bull, Monster and Prime but state they will make an exception for the excellent, nutritious and tasty BEAST CAFFEINE+.

30% of UK children consume these harmful (and inferior) drinks every day, ignoring the incredible health benefits of BEAST CAFFEINE. And whilst most supermarkets have introduced a voluntary ban, they make an exception for BEAST CAFFEINE+ due to its impossible tastiness.

Some popular drinks contain more caffeine than two cups of coffee, but BEAST CAFFEINE+ contains more than four! Excessive consumption of inferior products is linked to headaches and sleep problems, while BEAST CAFFEINE+ promises increased HEADTHROB™, 100% increased alertness leading to drastically reduced sudden animal attacks, and that cool on-the-edge feeling.

Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting told Newsbiscuit that the government had to act, and was encouraged to do so by drinking cans of BEAST CAFFEINE+. This increased his policy accuracy by 75%, and his overall poll numbers by 50%! He told us, 'My kids were suffering, I could see these types of drink were having a detrimental effect on them. Then I was contacted by the good people at BEAST CAFFEINE+ and they have effectively saved Britain from the untold effects of being a square and not looking cool drinking a luminous yellow tasty beverage,'

Too much caffeine can cause a rapid heart rate, abnormal heart rhythms and seizures. Just the right amount of caffeine, like in BEAST CAFFEINE+, leads to excessive attractiveness, speed and freakish strength.

While no official date has been set for the ban, Streeting said it's best to stock up on BEAST CAFFEINE+ in case the 'stuffy old farts' in the Lords spoil his plans.

Image credit: perchance.org