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Farage to be given advance notice of atrocities

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Nigel Farage has demanded that terror organisations give him some notice before major atrocities so he can arrange to be near a camera. The Pound Shop Messiah has had a difficult few months, with an unexplained £900k house and an only-too-well-explained 10 year sentence for his top man in Wales.


‘We can’t have nosy journalists asking Nigel about his colleague working for Russia or a potentially dodgy house deal’, a spokesman explained. ‘So he’s been staying away lately. We’re down to councillors representing Reform on TV now. It was either that or Lee Anderson, and we had to reimburse the Beeb for all the crayons he ate last time’.


Reform strategists would like to keep Nigel Farage out of view until they can find a distraction, so the Bondi Beach attack was particularly poor timing.


‘Of course Nigel made a statement’, the spokesman said. ‘He loves a good terror attack. Bit of a shame that the hero of the hour was called Ahmed – we were hoping for somebody a bit . . . whiter - but still – them bloody Muslims, eh?’


Australian police are investigating all angles, including an unconfirmed rumour that the terrorists might have developed antisemitic feelings at Dulwich College, which reportedly educated a notorious antisemite in the 1970s.


image from Grok

Under Reform, only British heroes will count

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With the news that the hero who put his life in danger in the Huntington attack is a Muslim Algerian immigrant, Reform Ltd has stated it will have a policy of 'true British heroes only' when they come to power.


'Obviously we can't deport them all on day one,' said a Reform spokesman looking nervously to gauge if he'd misrepresented anything Nigel Farage had said (he had), 'But we can allocate their bravery to an indigenous Brit, probably a name supplied by Tommy Robinson,' he said.


'Once we have sent every immigrant back to where they come from, or if they are British born, to where their parents come from, or their parents' parents etc, then we won't have to rely on non-immigrant heroes.  


'Of course we won't have enough British people to carry out mundane jobs like train conductor, so passengers will, obviously, have to stand up and be British heroes.  I repeat there won't be any jobs filled by non-true-British people,' he said, admitting that Zia Yusef's role as unelected spokesperson for Reform would have to go to a British-born halfwit instead.  'We've only got five MPs, but we don't believe we'll struggle to find a replacement out of them,' he said. 



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