KitKats to be 0.0001p cheaper under Andy Burnham

Andy Burnham has already transformed people's finances by announcing £2 bus fares and tiny VAT reductions for pubs.

Now he's going to make life infinitesimally more affordable for fatties by subsidising KitKats, Twix bars and Curly Wurlies by up to 0.0003%.

'These are small beginnings', a spokesman said, 'but for the hardest-up in society these savings will add up to a meaningful amount, just as long as they're willing to buy in bulk. The saving on a thousand Curly Wurlies would cover your bus fare home. It won't. But it's nice to think that it might'.

'Critics are just a bunch of moaners, though they probably have a point. What did Oscar Wilde call them? Twats, I think it was.'

Conservative Head Girl Kemi Badenoch described the measures as 'too little, too late' and promised to build a time machine to stop the rebranding of Marathon bars. She would also consider offing the young Adolf Hitler but said that 'wasn't a priority' as his values were rapidly coming back into fashion.

Image: Justin (@justinphoto) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Calls to rehab Hitler after learning he was bipolar

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Starstruck ICE stormtroopers flock to watch 'Melania'

The streets of Minneapolis were eerily quiet as ICE agents knocked off early from herding immigrants onto cattle trucks and executing citizens to go and watch the film 'Melania'.

'I read reviews of it in Rolling Stein magazine,' raved one ICE commandant, wearing a regulation brown shirt, jackboots and face scarf. 'They said it's the best propaganda film since Triumph of The Will.'

'Melania Knauss is America's Eva Braun!' gushed an ICE stormtrooper, equipped with a Mauser and coalscuttle helmet. 'She is a goddess! No mere mortal could wear that much mascara without going blind.'

Also packing out cinemas to see the pisspoor, tedious Melania documentary were students on a rag week.

'It's like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with a lead actress who can't act or sing, and has zero sense of humour, so it's hilarious!' sniggered one student.

'We throw rice at the screen and cry 'ah!' when Trump tries to kiss Melania at his inauguration, but gets blocked by her broad brimmed hat.'

In cities across the US, ICE agents have been deployed to force residents into cinemas at gunpoint to watch Melania.

'There's a high risk people will of boredom in there, but we don't care,' said an ICE ubergruppenfuhrer, who was barging an old lady towards the box office with an electric cattle prod.

'We must please the Fuhrer - I mean the President - by making sure that 'Melania' breaks all records in its first weekend, even if it deserves to be a miserable flop.'

'Heil Trump! Heil Knauss!' chanted the phalanx of Sturmabteilung behind him. 'Glory to the hit movie 'Melanoma'!'

Image credit: perchance.org