Your July Horoscope, by Toxic Meg.

Aries: Pluto entering Aquarius means you'll be changing your surroundings and getting used to smaller-scale accommodation. You shouldn't have brought that bag of ‘artisan baking powder’ through Heathrow for your friend.

Taurus: As Venus enters your sign sideways, you will either have an interesting conversation in a dentist’s waiting room with a hygienist called Helga, or boring sex in a biodegradable yurt with a fudge packer called Frank. The planets haven’t decided which, yet.

Gemini: I know what you did next summer.

Cancer: This month looks set to be full of surprises, including an unexpected gift from someone special! Oh bugger, I wasn’t supposed to mention that bit! Oh well, it will be a sh!t present anyway, so at least now you’ll have time to practice pretending to be delighted.

Leo: The planets have an important message for you: ‘Free 2ltr bottle of Pepsi with every pizza order over £25’.

Virgo: Really hard to believe you're a Virgo! Anyway, here goes: you will go out, meet a tall dark handsome stranger, then go back to his place for a night of rampant, shameless shagging. For you girls, same as above. Basically, same as last month.

Libra: On your way to work, you will encounter a busker who is singing a song that is all about you. It’s uncanny how much he knows about you. Could it have something to do with you losing your diary recently? Let’s hope he doesn’t get to the bit where you shagged your brother-in-law in the wardrobe last Christmas.

Scorpio: You will suddenly come into a large sum of money. Lose the shotgun, ditch the mask and run, you pillock!

Sagittarius: You will be prosecuted by the RSPCA for animal cruelty this month, after your emotional support dog suffers a nervous breakdown and starts smoking crack. Maybe you should stick to telling your problems to a goldfish in future.

Capricorn: There is a reason why products bear a ‘Keep out of the reach of children’ warning. The good news is they won't be your kids.

Aquarius: A rare alignment of the planets is about to bring good fortune into every area of your life! Hang on a minute – sorry, I’ve got the wrong address. This prediction was meant to be delivered to the woman next door, not to you. I left your prediction by your bins while you were out, but with the way your luck’s been going lately, someone has probably nicked it.

Pisces: We are sorry, but we are unable to deliver your horoscope, as there is a fee to pay. To arrange delivery, please visit www.gullible-twat/megs-holiday-fund.comand enter your credit card details.

Hat tips go to:

sydalg – Aries

SteveB – Gemini

Sinnick – Virgo

FlashArry – Scorpio

lockjaw – Capricorn

Image: ha11ok - Pixabay

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Your June Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: Apologies for last month’s predictions, I was having a mare of a day and spread it around with a big trowel. You are all lovely people, and nice things will happen to you - except Janice Obermann of Nantwich. You know why, you heartless b!tch.

Taurus: This month your dream will finally come true! No, not the one where you’re making love with Chris Hemsworth on a tropical beach – the one where you’re sitting on a toilet completely naked while your work colleagues laugh at you, and all your teeth fall out.

Gemini: Just one word for you this month: Eeugh!

Cancer: As Mercury enters your sign backwards, you will receive an important message. It’s an email from Weightwatchers, informing you that they must regretfully reject your application to join, owing to the fact that they can’t work miracles.

Leo: The life line of your palm says you will live long and prosper. That the local paper is running your obituary on Thursday and charging you eight hundred quid for it up front is an insignificant detail.

Virgo: You’ve always wanted to be made famous by having something named after you, and this month it will finally happen when you become the first person to be diagnosed with a rather unpleasant disease. There’s no cure, but at least it will explain what’s been causing your terrible flatulence, and the genital warts.

Orion: You will meet the love of your life in the next few days, get married, have beautiful children and live happily ever after. Well, not really, because Orion is not a zodiac sign, you gullible tw@t!

Libra: Saturn aligns with Uranus in your sign this month, resulting in you being afflicted with piles the size of tennis balls. It’s not all bad news, as you’ll soon discover that the piles enable you to fart a note-perfect rendition of Nessun Dorma. Don’t reach for the Anusol right away – try your luck on Britain’s Got Talent first.

Scorpio: Due to an unfortunate oversight, the planets have completely neglected to make any predictions for you this month. You can’t really blame them, you are very forgettable.

Sagittarius: Neptune told me to tell you your new jeans make your @rse look fat.

Capricorn: You will be shocked to discover that by some bizarre clerical error you were elected president of Zimbabwe in 2019. Fortunately, you were deposed in a bloody coup a few months later. Just as well you weren't there.

Aquarius: The moon moves into your sign this month, bringing with it an air of confusion which will lead to an awkward misunderstanding. Don’t feel too embarrassed - mistaking the grief counselling centre for a public toilet is easy to do, after 3 bottles of cheap vodka. And crapping on a chair could be interpreted as an expression of grief, I suppose…

Pisces: As Mars collides with Venus in your house of good fortune, something momentous is about to happen to you which will change your whole life! This could turn out to be a fabulous opportunity, or it could all end in complete disaster, everything depends on how you handle the situation. All will be well if you remember this one vital piece of information…

Sorry, I’ve got to go now - the microwave has just pinged, so my dinner is ready. I’ll see you next month, unless you handle things all wrong like you usually do, in which case I definitely won’t…

Hat tips go to:

FlashArry – Aries

lockjaw – Gemini

SteveB – Leo

Sinnick – Orion

sydalg - Capricorn

Image:Pixabay

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Your (most of) May Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: Mars in your house of education inspires you to learn some new skills. Within a few weeks you’ll be able to add knitting, pottery, archery and speaking French to the long list of things you’re sh!t at.

Taurus: If you follow the much more accurate and logical Mayan calendar, then you already ceased to exist in 2012.

Gemini: Saturn enters your house of secrets this month, bringing an interesting piece of information your way which could be to your advantage. By the way – did you know there is a little-known loophole in the Sunday trading laws, which means you can help yourself to whatever you like from any shop in the UK on a Sunday, and they can’t force you to pay for it? Try it, and you’ll find out it’s absolutely true. Knowledge is power!

Cancer: Jupiter is in your house of fun this month, so why not amuse yourself by telling a complete load of b*ll*cks to the next gullible tw@t you meet, and see if they believe you? I just did it to Gemini, and they fell for it hook, line and sinker. LOL!

Leo: After a highly successful night out, you will wake up to find you don't recognise your spouse, the cat is now a dog, the layout of the house has been reversed and someone with questionable taste has redecorated every room overnight. Is this the work of demonic forces attempting to unbalance your mind? Or have you again let yourself in next door with the emergency key? Either way, there's a lot of explaining to do when the police arrive - and you still can’t find your pants.

Virgo: Your love life suffers a setback this month, when a romantic evening ends awkwardly in the bedroom after your date tells you your sex face makes you look like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Libra: You're excited to be chosen as a guinea pig for the new industrial-strength Viagra. It's so successful that you spend the rest of the day shopping for a larger hat to hold over your crotch. Pretty impressive, given that you only got the placebo.

Scorpio: As Mercury turns direct, you will receive an important message. It’s a letter from Odour Eaters thanking you for your enquiry, and informing you that unfortunately their product range does not currently include a full bodysuit. They suggest you might try using soap and water once in a while.

Sagittarius: YOU WILL DIE THIS MONTH!! That got your attention, didn't it? No, but seriously, it's next month really.

Capricorn: Your ambition to become an actor will finally be fulfilled when you land a role in a local theatre production of ‘The Vagina Monologues’. You’ll play the vagina.

Aquarius: Make sure you read the instructions thoroughly before assembling that gas barbecue.

Pisces: Your horoscope for this month is in the form of multiple choice. You will either:

a) Win the lottery

b) Find true love

c) Win a Nobel prize

or

d) Your life will carry on being boring and meaningless.

Hint: the answer is definitely d.

Hat tips go to: SteveB – Taurus; FlashArry – Leo; sydalg - Libra;Sinnick – Sagittarius; lockjaw – Aquarius

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/gdj-1086657/