Aries: Mars in your house of education inspires you to learn some new skills. Within a few weeks you’ll be able to add knitting, pottery, archery and speaking French to the long list of things you’re sh!t at.
Taurus: If you follow the much more accurate and logical Mayan calendar, then you already ceased to exist in 2012.
Gemini: Saturn enters your house of secrets this month, bringing an interesting piece of information your way which could be to your advantage. By the way – did you know there is a little-known loophole in the Sunday trading laws, which means you can help yourself to whatever you like from any shop in the UK on a Sunday, and they can’t force you to pay for it? Try it, and you’ll find out it’s absolutely true. Knowledge is power!
Cancer: Jupiter is in your house of fun this month, so why not amuse yourself by telling a complete load of b*ll*cks to the next gullible tw@t you meet, and see if they believe you? I just did it to Gemini, and they fell for it hook, line and sinker. LOL!
Leo: After a highly successful night out, you will wake up to find you don't recognise your spouse, the cat is now a dog, the layout of the house has been reversed and someone with questionable taste has redecorated every room overnight. Is this the work of demonic forces attempting to unbalance your mind? Or have you again let yourself in next door with the emergency key? Either way, there's a lot of explaining to do when the police arrive - and you still can’t find your pants.
Virgo: Your love life suffers a setback this month, when a romantic evening ends awkwardly in the bedroom after your date tells you your sex face makes you look like Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Libra: You're excited to be chosen as a guinea pig for the new industrial-strength Viagra. It's so successful that you spend the rest of the day shopping for a larger hat to hold over your crotch. Pretty impressive, given that you only got the placebo.
Scorpio: As Mercury turns direct, you will receive an important message. It’s a letter from Odour Eaters thanking you for your enquiry, and informing you that unfortunately their product range does not currently include a full bodysuit. They suggest you might try using soap and water once in a while.
Sagittarius: YOU WILL DIE THIS MONTH!! That got your attention, didn't it? No, but seriously, it's next month really.
Capricorn: Your ambition to become an actor will finally be fulfilled when you land a role in a local theatre production of ‘The Vagina Monologues’. You’ll play the vagina.
Aquarius: Make sure you read the instructions thoroughly before assembling that gas barbecue.
Pisces: Your horoscope for this month is in the form of multiple choice. You will either:
a) Win the lottery
b) Find true love
c) Win a Nobel prize
or
d) Your life will carry on being boring and meaningless.
Hint: the answer is definitely d.
Hat tips go to: SteveB – Taurus; FlashArry – Leo; sydalg - Libra;Sinnick – Sagittarius; lockjaw – Aquarius