Horoscopes for August by Simon the Scryer

Aries

You will be the man about town this month, in that you will be paraded through the streets with a noose around your neck, before the inevitable end. They don't take kindly to people messing with the landowner's daughter in these parts. I advise forgoing that journey to foreign parts

Taurus

You will be knighted. Sorry, you will be benighted. That is to say, you won't have a clue about what will be happening to you this month.

Gemini

Don't be fooled by the person looking back at you in John Lewis. It's a novelty mirror and you really don't have a doppelganger, you utter imbecile. If there were two of you, the end of days would have already occurred. But that doesn't happen until next Tuesday.

Cancer

Suggesting a game of rock, paper, scissors to your mugger will not turn out well for you this month

Leo

Good looks, wealth, impeccable taste. You really must stop staring into posh restaurant windows.

Virgo

Unlucky in love ? Persevere, there is someone out there for everyone, but your current 'plucked-chicken-coated-in-cuprinol' look could be making a mockery of this advice.

Libra

You will be working at a review of a public enquiry into an investigation probing the level of scrutiny of a feasibility study into the scope of the processes and procedures of some cobblers or another. Still, looks like you have employment for at least a few months making the sandwiches for the lunchtime recess. Result!

Scorpio

As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.

Sagittarius

The first book in a series of children's books will be dedicated to you. Make what you will of the motive behind 'The Stupid Old Fart’.

Capricorn

A man in a grey suit is haunting your dreams. While you contemplate your current life challenges, the man in the grey suit hovers in the background. Sometimes he offers suggestions but these aren't helpful and he often changes his mind anyway. He is interested in your benefits and pension pot and your savings and you are worried that he will take your purse.

Try not to worry about this. Things will be clarified in the Autumn Statement.

Aquarius

A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.

Pisces

Your diligent searching finally achieves the desired result this month. A treasure trove of hedge porn is yours for the taking.

Contributions from

StveB: Gemini

Deskpilot: Scorpio, Capricorn

Flasharry: Virgo, Aquarius

H/Ts to SteveB , deskpilot, FlashArry

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Horoscopes for July, 2025

Aries

Time to pull yourself together. Your emotional support animal now needs its own emotional support animal.

Taurus

Don’t put off a decision. Keir needs more money, and he’s coming for you!

Gemini

After the horrendous barbecue accident, you will be known as 'Mr Patty Hands’.

Cancer

The heavenly alignment indicates your life will enter a period of stability, so either that "serious ear infection" clears up, or you decide to lay off the sauce for a bit. Whatever the reason, you will spend less time sprawled on the floor being used by the family as an impromptu draught excluder. Result !

Leo

Remember!! Always turn off the electric mower before clearing any blockages in the blade housing. I'd have thought that you would have learnt that lesson first time around, Lefty!

Virgo

You are worried that you have misplaced something valuable, and you are understandably keen to find it before anyone else. There is no need to worry yourself unduly. it's bound to turn up soon. After all, it weighs 400 kilogrammes and it's radioactive.

Libra

You will bring great joy to a number of families this month ... after your organs have been harvested. Kudos to you.

Scorpio

You will be declared the person most likely to ... Erm, it's not clear what that will be as yet.

Sagittarius

Time will weigh heavy on you this month, but eventually someone will find you under that grandfather clock. Ding dong!

Capricorn

Your zest for life will be tested when someone suggests fun with a grater.

Aquarius

If life gives you verrucas, don't expect people to kiss your feet

Pisces

Contributions from

deskpilot: Taurus, Virgo

jamesdoc: Capricorn

FlashArry: Cancer, Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com

Horoscopes for June 2025, by the Constant Plancks

Aries

There is considerable scope for health improvements this month. A stethoscope will be helpful. And a gastroscope. And, unfortunately, a colonoscope. And also a telescope. Don't worry - the doctors will get it out.

Taurus

You know that thing with the thing that that person was talking about. Well, it will turn out OK. I hope that makes it clear for you.

Gemini

A tall, dark, handsome stranger looms large in your future, followed by a long and painful convalescence. Not all bears like to be hugged.

Cancer

You will fall deeply asleep in the arms of your lover after some steamy sex in a wheat field. Which is why you won't hear the combine harvester bearing down on you. That will be a bit of a bind, so to speak.

Leo

Your life will be in such a spin this month that you probably need to make use a gyroscope rather than a horoscope.

Virgo

Your charts have become very complicated after you paid good money to name some stars after members of your family.

Aunty Kitty will be in conjunction with your second cousin Ned for the rest of the year. This will bring happiness, anxiety, shame, and a criminal conviction – not necessarily in that order.

Uncle Antonio will make a close pass near Uranus, so you are likely to feel nervous, but also relieved.

NASA will launch test firings at Nana Ruth, to stop her spinning helplessly out of control.

You will come to realise that the star naming thing is a bit of a con. Eventually. Hopefully.

Libra

Not the month to go on a tour of a bell foundry, if you know what's good for you. While we're about it, best cancel that tour of the brewery. Ding-dong and cheers.

Scorpio

You drive a top of the range Ford from 1995, but still don't understand why no one respects you

Sagittarius

Sensible, staid, safe. Leave the exciting stuff to others. Being boring never killed anyone - at least, anyone worth knowing.

Capricorn

If you wake at dawn, you will have an insight that could change the course of human history. However, we both know that you're a lazy sod. So thanks for nothing. You waster!

Aquarius

They say many a mickle makes a muckle. By the end of this month, you will have a substantial muckle. The stars aren't clear about a muckle of what. Ooh, it's exciting, isn't it?

Pisces

As temperatures rise and the holiday season hits its stride, your thoughts turn to steamy seasonal romance and flirtatious dalliances. However, don't set your sights too high - you are making a big ask of Bognor.

Includes horoscope contributions from:

deskpilot : Aries, Virgo

SteveB : Scorpio

FlashArry : Gemini, Pisces, Sagittarius

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio