Tories: No policy on housing

The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option.

'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood.

'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are being fleeced, but it's too expensive to do anything for them. Builders want to build houses but they only know how to build expensive ones.

'In other words, the whole policy area is a shit show. So, the Conservative party has decided to steer well clear of it. No pledges, no commitments, no targets. In fact, we have a complete embargo on the subject. Anyone who talks to the media about housing is out. Straight out, no appeal.

'We hope that no-one will notice the absence of any policy on housebuilding. Our headline policies are about stamp duty, immigrants and defence. And that will have to do. Keir got elected on a single policy of 'change', so we're hoping to copy his success.

'And we reckon that our policy platform looks pretty comprehensive when you compare it against Reform.'

Photo by Design Hills on Unsplash

CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Following their £2,500,000,000 merger, Barrett and Redrow are the biggest house builder in Britain and would really like the government to inspire them and help them out.

“It's supply and demand, really. We are demanding the Government supply us with an incentive to build more houses. There just doesn’t seem much profit in it. I mean, a house price has only tripled in the last 25 years. Like, it’s an essential product to live in which is currently insanely expensive, where can you make money from that?”

David, whose base salary of £857,000 would barely get him a six-bedroom house in some grubby part of Yorkshire (once a year), said that there needs to be some sort of incentive to building companies. He feels unmotivated and rejected by the government.

He also said (after receiving a measly £1,413,000 bonus) that the due to low wages not keeping up with inflation, first time buyers, like his employees, are struggling to buy things that his company makes and the government really should be sorting this out.

David paused to allow a picture to be taken of him looking sad in front of a deserted building site.

“I have 17 years of experience in this game, and I am completely lost on what to do. The government really should do something about it.”

If you have been affected by any of the issues in this story please call our special Fatcat Helpline where trained operatives will listen to you moaning about the Government without sniggering.

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Government housing programme will build houses using Lego Smart Bricks

Houses are to become more Christmas-friendly, since the invention of Lego Smart Bricks. These bricks are electronically-controlled and could bring an end to the idiocy of climbing ladders to decorate the exterior of homes during the festive season.

The bricks contain colour-changing lights and loudspeakers, promising the ultimate neighbour irritation experience; and can be controlled by a smartphone app.

Dick Scratcher, a Christmas-loving pensioner who fell from the 15th floor of the Sunlight Uplands Retirement Home in Essex, whilst putting up Christmas lights outside his flat, says the news got his new year off to a great start; and ain’t it amazing what they can do these days.

In other news, however, Newsbiscuit has learned from a source close to a man occasionally known as Mr Yaxley-Lennon, that an alias of Yaxley-Lennon has commissioned a team of programmers to hack the system and design a flashing light sequence that strobes the Union flag along rows of houses, unless residents pay an annual unsubscription fee to have the union flag replaced by a pixelated ‘A paedo lives here’ sign.

Image: CCheminot - Pixabay