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The scheme will plunge you into ten of thousands of pounds worth of debt, without the hassle of having to own a house. Mortgage-owners will then have the freedom to live where they like, provided they like ditches. Although banks have warned that failure to make your payments will mean repossessions and ‘steps will be taken’.


Some economists have warned of a steep rise in the cost of ladders, with a single rung -based in London - going for half a million. Explained one lender: ‘The easiest way to help people onto the housing ladder is to remove the housing. Then all you need to do is find a ladder. Which we can loan you at competitive rates. Then, after fifty years of repayments, you will then own a ladder. A very old ladder. But you’ll be at the top of that ladder and you should be able to see some houses from there.’


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Greedy landlords have been slammed for doubling the rent of inbred yokels, while tenants with curiously large ears and pronounced squints have demanded a three-for-two discount. Campaigners for inbred villagers have dubbed the increase in rents and council rates a ‘banjo tax’. A protest of several hundred (or several thousand, depending on how you look at it), gathered in a sheepfold between Shitterton and Nether Wallop to express their outrage.


A spokesperson for the villagers said: ‘Oi loiks ma parridge. Fadda Christmas gonna pit parridge don ma chimnee.’


The number of people moving from urban to rural properties increased significantly during the pandemic. Zoopla believe the trend is reversing as new arrivals have second thoughts. One new homeowner in the village of Wetwipe said: ‘It was idyllic at first, but then I attended the school sports day. The winner of the three-legged race was disqualified for having an unfair advantage.’


Tensions are running high in some areas, and police are appealing for witnesses after a stranger’s car was beaten to death in the village of Upper Denture.


[ hat tip SteveB ]



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'It's OK for smaller creatures like meercats - for them it's simples' said Ollie the elephant 'But suitable accommodation for me and my wife Ellie costs a fortune and is a much bigger problem'. 'It's even worse for us' said Ginny giraffe 'We're having a real struggle to find anywhere suitable at all - it's been a real pain in the neck.'


The monkeys, too, are having problems, especially the chimpanzees. 'There's a load of us' said Charlie Chimp 'and we need enough space to sit down at our typewriters, as well as somewhere providing enough peace and quiet to be able to finish writing all these playt - oh, fuck it, I mean plays. Bollocks, now I've got to start from the beginning all over again. Please excuse me.'


The only tenants who seemed less worried were the hyenas, who hoped they might be adopted as domestic pets and therefore not need to rent cages, so would be laughing all the way to the bank.



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