- Raggers
- Sep 27, 2023
top of page
Search
- ModelMaker
- Sep 26, 2023
The government is considering scrapping the expensive HS2 vanity project, in the hope that money can be found to pay for its significantly more expensive legal costs when it gets its collar felt over its abuse of its time in power.
With it becoming ever more likely that the Tories will lose the next election and the public will be baying for blood over the appalling situation it has been left in after 14 years of corrupt and incompetent government, contingency plans are being made in the hope of saving money so the taxpayer can pay for legal representation when cabinet ministers who served since 2010 are tried for their crimes.
It isn’t clear at this stage whether the former Director of Public Prosecutions will look as kindly on these scroats as happened when public funding was made available for legal representation to challenge booting Boris Johnson out of parliament, but a source close to the government told Newsbiscuit that if Starmer didn’t have to worry about finding the billions needed to complete HS2, there’s a chance he may look more favourably on the plight ex-ministers will be faced with.
Our political correspondent was unable at this stage to establish from the shadow cabinet if such a move would be feasible when Labour is in power due to the hysterical laughter that broke out when he asked.
A Savile Row spokes-Sinbad* let on that he and his colleagues are working on bespoke designs for prison outfits in the hope their most prestigious customers will be allowed to wear them.
*Sinbad the Sailor = Tailor
A Tory spokesman revealed today that the shortfall in funding for HS2 was the result of party strategists not really believing there was anywhere north of Birmingham.
Asked how he even knew about Birmingham, Sir Crispin Labrador explained that his family estate is in Worcestershire, and it’s “really quite civilised, all things considered. Of course, the staff tend to speak in a funny way, but you can beat it out of them after a while.”
”But Manchester, Liverpool, Newcastle and so on? I always assumed they were just a Swiftian satire, like Lilliput or Brobdingnag - essentially the writer is saying ‘Just imagine if these absurd places existed’ for comic effect.”
”It was quite a shock to find out they’re real places, though it does explain some of the odd creatures one sees on the Labour benches. They always seem so cross about something, if only one could understand what they were saying.”
Despite this admission that the north of England is real, Sir Crispin said he doubted the wisdom of a railway connecting it to civilisation.
”It’s all too easy to be sentimental about primitive peoples, but have you stopped to consider the damage to their culture if they encountered the modern world too quickly, without proper safeguards? Things like fruit and vegetables need to be introduced to them gradually, before moving onto more complex things like the importance of not overchilling a white Burgundy.”
bottom of page