Starmer to suck up to King by building towns he designed

"The PM ambled around some village he'd never heard of in Cornwall last week with Charles by his side, and now he says he wants a dozen towns built according to his designs," a Labour party chatbot told reporters.

"I'm not sure why Keir's being such an embarrassing suck-up about this," the bot continued. "He's already got a knighthood. Maybe he wants a peerage. Or perhaps he wants to be invited to a few more banquets at Windsor Castle. Who knows?"

"Labour's embarrassed? We're embarrassed!" said a Palace spokes-flunkey. "Attlee, Wilson, Starmer... they all start off as young firebrand socialists who want to rip down the monarchy and set up a workers' republic.

"Then they set one foot inside Buck House and turn into utter creeps.

"Anyway, the king doesn't design towns. He's too dim for that. His real talent is wandering around Britain peering at pieces of modern architecture with a pained expression on his face and saying 'it really is appalling'.

"Keir is warning Labour local councillors that if they try any funny business like refusing planning permission for the new royal towns, he'll have them deselected, Diane Abbott-style," said the party chatbot.

"And to be extra creepy to Charles, he might also have them prosecuted for treason."

Image: Pixabay/paulbloch

Other scientists annoyed that rocket scientists get all the glory

A consortium of scientists today issued a statement expressing their annoyance that “rocket scientist” has somehow come to mean a super-intelligent person.

“I’m working with sub-atomic particles, things so small that they’re literally affected by photons of light striking them, making them almost impossible to observe in a neutral state,” said Professor Dave Grolsch of Cal Tech. “Let me tell you, that’s hard. I’m not sure what’s so impressive about blasting a hunk of metal into space.”

”Exactly,” said Dr Steve Herschenheimer of MIT. “The work I’m doing with nanobots could lead to cures for conditions that kill thousands of people every year. But sure, let’s give these guys a parade for finding out Mars is made of rocks.”

The statement was co-signed by a number of surgeons, pissed off that brain surgeons are getting all the glory.

“Oh, you think the brain’s the only important organ? Really? Have you tried living with liver failure, or without your heart pumping blood around your body? No you haven’t, because it’s impossible.

“But those brain surgeons think they’re so damn special. They won’t even sit with the rest of us in the hospital canteen.”

Image: Pixabay/WikiImages

Manchester United Replace Football Department with AI Chatbot

In yet another swingeing cost-cutting move, Manchester United have fired their entire football department and replaced it with an AI chatbot. ‘Sir Jim Ratcliffe believes that the new chatbot will incrementally enhance the marginal gains produced in every phase of organizational endeavor up and down the value chain,’ said a club statement. Calls inquiring whether the statement itself was written by AI went unanswered.

The chatbot may not be fully prepared to take on all of the football department’s responsibilities, according to club sources. ‘Yesterday, when asked what direction the squad should take, the chatbot advised hiring Jose Mourinho, bringing in Antony, and suing to obtain half of Rock of Gibraltar’s stud rights,’ said one knowledgeable insider. ‘So, yes, we clearly still have some distance to travel.’ The source said the aim was to have the chatbot in ‘something approximating working order’ prior to the summer transfer window.

Man U’s football department ‘has admittedly not performed well over the last decade,’ said Alfred Newman, Assistant Professor of Obvious Football-Related Statements at the University of Manchester. ‘But to go in with both feet on AI will be difficult for an organisation not renowned for its advanced thinking.’ Newman said that Man U should consider ‘first utilizing an algorithmic decision-making device of a more basic nature, like, say, a dart board.’

The football department's demise comes as the team continues to struggle under manager Ruben Amorim. The Portuguese encountered more heavy seas this week after he reportedly advocated loading his squad onto a rocket and firing it into the sun. According to a team source, Amorim later acknowledged that he regretted saying ‘the sun part.’

Image: Pixabay/Mohamed_Hassan