Crowds gather to catch glimpse of Peppa Pig's baby sister

Following the happy news of the birth of Peppa Pig's new baby sister Evie Pig, crowds have been gathering outside the Lindo Wing at St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington hoping to catch a glimpse of the new pink arrival. 

A few people had already started to gather over the weekend, close to Mummy Pig's due date, and had even resorted to sleeping in tents on the pavement so they'd have a good view come the time of the blessed event. However it was only following Monday morning's announcement on Good Morning Britain of the baby's arrival, which was marked by a town crier delivering the news and a ceremonial fly-by from the RAF, when the masses really started to assemble. Right now it is believed that over 10,000 are lining the street opposite the hospital hoping for even the merest glimpse of the piglet.

"As everyone knows, the Lindo Wing is considered to be very exclusive" said midwife Mary McCafferty, who asked not to be named.

"All of William and Kate's children were born here after all. However when Mummy and Daddy Pig arrived the other day... well, it's an understatement to say I was starstruck, and I was the one who handled Kate's placenta the third time. Everything went without a hitch, although there was an awkward moment when a nurse offered Daddy Pig a bacon sandwich"

Police have been called in to try and manage the growing crowds, which are swelling by the hour. It has also been reported that Just Stop Oil had planned to stage a protest outside the hospital, however thankfully all activists were arrested and soundly beaten before anything could take place.

A week of celebratory events are planned to mark this momentous news; the King will be giving a televised address on Saturday, Parliament will be debating the idea of making Evie's birthday a public holiday, shops across the country will be selling assorted merchandise from the show as comparatively reasonable prices. It is also rumoured that Boris Johnson will be making a celebratory trip to Peppa Pig World tomorrow.

It is reported Evie's weight is eight bundles of snuggles, although this figure is expected to change once someone gets a hold of some butcher's scales.

Image: Pixabay/Openclipart-vector

90% of world's suffering caused by James Corden's agent

As rumours swirl that Corden is contemplating running for London Mayor, we ask - have we not suffered enough? Having sat through his excruciating aciing career and his cringe-inducing interviews, we may have to endure his unfunny attempt to coordinate when the bins go out.

The evil mastermind behind all this is his agent, Mr.S.Atan. There is no way such a mediocre talent could flourish, without a pact with the devil and a haircut that never changes.

Once elected, Corden will insist on smug being London's default emotion, with canned laughter on every street corner. It will become the capital of irritating, with Corden the Mayor of HowTheF$ckDidYouGetThatJob.

Satan said: 'For James to become Mayor, someone had to sell their soul. I'm just not sure if it was him or me.'

Image: Pixabay/BazzaBoy

Putin and Netanyahu in secret talks about 'swapping wars'

Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu are reported to be holding secret talks about formalising a treaty that will lead to each nation taking on the burden of war-fighting on behalf of the other.

This surprising development has had military analysts scratching their heads to determine why this would be seen as advantageous by both sides. Some facts have become clear.

The Russian war would benefit by having unlimited access to US military technology. The Israeli military have made sophisticated use of microchips, and this applied to Ukraine would give a much-needed edge on the battlefield. Furthermore the missiles that Israel can deploy are world-class, unlike the aged rockets of the Russian army.

In the middle east, the war against Hamas and the wider region would be more effective if waves of human cannon fodder could be thrown in to difficult situations with little chance of survival. Nuclear sabre rattling is expected to have a powerful effect on nations such as Iran and Eygypt. Areas of conquered territory, like Gaza, would be pacified by usual Russian methods. These include the issuing of Russian passports, the set-up of re-education camps for children, and the swamping of the area with anti-Islamic propaganda.

Talks appear to have stalled, however. Sticking points include the future role of the survivors of Ukraine's historic Jewish population, and the potential for Russia to declare part of the eastern Mediterranean Russian sovereign territory.

But the main problem appears to be that Trump does not like the idea, because it would make Putin's success in the war dependent on US support for Israel, and that is one of the things he knows he cannot control.

Image: Pixabay/apreklama