Man thinks Coeliac disease is just a fad to slow down his food order

Sighing heavily whilst looking over at the waitress who was helpfully talking a family through the gluten free options, a bellend muttered, 'Look at them pandering to that spoilt, attention seeking brat, they’ll soon grow out of it.'

Talking loudly enough so the next table could clearly hear, he went on 'I mean, no one didn’t like a bit of gluten when I was growing up, what have they suddenly got against bread? An autoimmune condition sounds like a made-up thing, like healing crystals or Socialism.'

After waving the menu and clicking his fingers, the bellend kept other diners fully informed of his opinions, 'I mean, it’s not like the nuts thing is it, he’s not going to explode or anything interesting. I don’t understand it, so that means it’s not real. That’s just common sense.'

The bellend then started asking about off menu options like he’d seen flash people do on YouTube, as kitchen staff prepared to piss on his chips.

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I don't believe in climate modelling, says Lord Chill, and nobody can explain it

Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.

Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'

'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'

'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'

Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'

'Oooh, a shiny button!'

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Marketing department reject new cholesterol reducing drug

The marketing department of a major drug company is refusing to do any work on the company's new cholesterol reducing drug.

Qi ffob, head of marketing, explained that their minimum standard for cholesterol drugs was cholesterol busting. “The public want and need cholesterol busting drugs. Anything less isn’t worth getting out of bed for. It may sound like marketing hype, but trust me, it is.” He went on to say that search engine users often typed in ‘cholesterol reducing’, sometimes typed ‘cholesterol obliterating’ and even ‘cholesterol annihilating’. ‘Busting’, therefore was the absolute minimum acceptable level of efficacy.

A dejected scientist said that although the new drug was effective at reducing cholesterol he understood that public expectations now demanded more than this. He summarised the situation as “Science 0, Idiots 1, again”.

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