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Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.


Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'


'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'


'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'


Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'


'Oooh, a shiny button!'



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The marketing department of a major drug company is refusing to do any work on the company's new cholesterol reducing drug.


Qi ffob, head of marketing, explained that their minimum standard for cholesterol drugs was cholesterol busting. “The public want and need cholesterol busting drugs. Anything less isn’t worth getting out of bed for. It may sound like marketing hype, but trust me, it is.” He went on to say that search engine users often typed in ‘cholesterol reducing’, sometimes typed ‘cholesterol obliterating’ and even ‘cholesterol annihilating’. ‘Busting’, therefore was the absolute minimum acceptable level of efficacy.


A dejected scientist said that although the new drug was effective at reducing cholesterol he understood that public expectations now demanded more than this. He summarised the situation as “Science 0, Idiots 1, again”.



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Scientists at the UN have come to the worrying conclusion that Americans face extinction by Americans.


‘If Americans carry on like this, there’s not going to be enough of them to go round,’ said Secretary-General António Guterres.


We were already concerned that a drop in sperm count could drastically affect numbers. Evidence suggests this has been exacerbated by giving lunatics handguns, although it’s more likely to be down to the untimely demise of Ivana Trump.


'Across Europe, tourist industry chiefs have been reporting a dramatic drop in tourists asking stupid questions such as, ‘When will Sherlock Holmes be back? Why do they speak French in Paris,’ and ‘can a semi-automatic assault rifle hurt people?’


‘It’s a massive problem,’ said Mr Guterres. ‘Americans are basically shooting themselves in the foot, or anywhere else, come to think of it.’


phot: https://pixabay.com/users/ronile-126846/

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