Bibby Stockholm : the welcoming speech in full

'I would like to extend the hand of friendship to our 500 new neighbours in their temporary home moored such a short distance from the mainland they have struggled so hard to reach. I would also wish that all 427 of them will be comfortable with their on-board accommodation and dockside facilities.'

'It is my belief that these 350 odd new Portlandians will be inspired by our world-class sailing set-up and water-sports activities, and that many of the 287 would-be citizens will be impressed with the public and private transport links that provide access to local - and not so local - commercial and historic sites which this area of the country has in abundance.'

'I am sure that the 197 residents of the Bibby Stockholm will find their stay liberating, fruitful and satisfying, and that many of the 80 or so 'guests' will make a significant impact on our little island community before moving on to greater things.'

'In conclusion, may we open our hearts to these couple of dozen souls whose journey to this country has been perilous indeed, and wish that this bare handful of brave individuals will ultimately achieve their goals.'

'As a last gesture, I would like to present a plaque marking the occasion to our new friend Tariq - oh, he's gone'

Just Stop Fun plans summer of protest

The protest group Just Stop Fun is launching a new summer campaign against Big Oil. After disrupting all the adult sporting events this summer, the focus of protests is now switching to kids activities in the school holidays.

Colin Snide (not his real name) is a spokesmouth for Just Stop Fun. He told me that the group would be targeting children’s playgrounds, chaining up roundabouts, padlocking swing chains and putting very sticky stuff on slides so that they don’t work. ‘Our kids,’ he says, ‘will be seriously affected by climate change, so we want to use pester power to get home our message to Just Stop Big Oil. We know that their tears and screams will send a strong message to deadbeat parents who are addicted to fossil fuels and non-recyclable take-away tubs. The kids know that, deep down, we are on their side and that we are not just dismal old fun-sponges with no sense of proportion.’

A campaign of targeted interventions over the summer is planned at theme parks and seaside attractions. Planned stunts will include:

• sedating seaside donkeys so that they can’t give rides

• putting fish entrails in the splashdown at the big dipper, so that everyone smells really bad for the rest of the day

• concreting in most of the holes at crazy golf courses (not the one with the little windmill, obviously)

• putting nutella into ball ponds at pubs and play areas so that parents are freaked out when their kids emerge covered in brown sticky stuff

• using Mr Whippy vans to serve entirely liquid ice creams, to illustrate the impact of climate change

Colin says ‘for six weeks we are going to relax, kick back and do something a bit different. Once the kids are safely back at school we will get back to buggering up buses, trains, traffic and sporting events. So enjoy the summer break!’

Image: winjohn Photos | FreeImages

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Government creates new fear: Nano Boats

After initiating panic about small boats, fear was mongered to a maximum level by introducing the concept of Nano Boats. These microscopic water-based vehicles could be invading into orifices throughout the UK RIGHT NOW! You could have could hundreds IN YOUR EYES AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

The minuscule vessels are probably transporting illegal immigrant nanobots, the worst kind of nanobot. These would probably be then placed in minute 5-star hotels and both not have jobs and take jobs away from our brave, British tiny robots workers.

Offering no visible evidence of these invaders, the government said this is proof of their insidiously small size. They then muttered something about reducing net migration, but this was just a confused comment about reducing net sizes small enough to catch nano boats.

image from pixabay