Mandelson told vetting team he was mates with Einstein

Following an intense, dramatic and absolutely no-stone-unturned investigation in Downing Street, it has emerged that the Prime Minister’s elite high-level security vetting team simply believed everything Peter Mandelson told them, because he wore a nice suit. The inquiry was launched after Labour MPs raised concerns that the government’s vetting process appeared to involve asking candidates 'Are you dodgy?'

A senior investigator explained how the process unfolded.

'It started off by him telling us his name was Mendelssohn. One of the interns Googled that and found he was a German composer, so he quickly changed his tune and produced a Senior Railcard.'

On the railcard was a photograph of Nelson Mandela.

“He said yes, that was him – Nelson Mandelason. We felt that was plausible and ticked the box marked ‘Identity: Verified’.”

The team then questioned Mandelason about his alleged links to Jeffrey Epstein.

'He said he’d never heard of Epstein, but he was on very good terms with Einstein. He once stayed at Einstein’s house to discuss the theory of relativity.”

Despite Einstein having died in 1955, the claim was accepted.

'Mr Mandelason explained that time is relative,' said the investigator. 'Since Einstein invented time, that basically checks out.'

On the strength of this evidence, Mandelson was immediately approved as UK Ambassador to the USA and, for reasons still unclear, appointed Brand Leader for the M&S menswear department.

A government spokesperson defended the process, saying, 'We followed rigorous procedures, including writing things down in a very official notebook.'

Image credit: Wix AI

Iran asks Boris Johnson to intervene

With the Iranian regime at an inflection point, the Ayatollah has reached out to former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson for help.

'We are concerned that the insurgency will succeed, so we need to destabilise it before it is too late,' said a spokesman for the regime.  'The last time Boris intervened he resulted in the arrest of a British subject who was on the cusp of being allowed home.  That's the kind of incompetence we require.  We are begging Mr Johnson to interfere with the insurgents, advise them what to say and do and hopefully this will be over in a couple of days with thousands of insurgents safely in jail, just how we like it,' he added.

A spokesman for Mr Johnson said the request was an abomination and a terrible idea.  'Did they mention how much?' he asked.

Second House of Commons may be needed

We’ve all had that useless colleague, the one who swans about looking and sounding important but never does any actual fecking work.

For more than a century, Britain has had a special warehouse to store the worst examples, safely keeping them away from the workplace. Located in central London, the House of Commons has brought relief to hundreds of businesses over the years.

‘I didn’t realise how much she was pecking at my head,' said Jenny, a sales manager from Wolverhampton. ‘Then she got this ‘job’ as a – get this – Member of Parliament (hashtag made-up-jobs) – and swanned off. It was like a weight being lifted. The company’s doing really well now.'

Sadly, with the rise in access to higher education and crap TV like Love Island, the nation is teeming with useless people, and 650 places is nowhere near enough. Plans are under way to build a second House of Commons to house the useless. Possible sites include Cardiff, Edinburgh and Epping.

Last word goes to ‘Robert’ (his real name), one of the warehoused useless people: ‘We do really vital work here. I like pointing at cartoons and ordering them to be painted over to make children cry, but I also fight crime with a video camera. We’re all in different gangs. My gang’s the best. If I can make enough children cry, then they’ll make me the leader of the gang, and I’ll be able to make speeches on telly instead of Twitter. I don’t miss having a job, this is way better. On Thursdays, we have sponge cake and custard.'

Image credit: Wix AI