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Camilla to be crowned with a golden novelty drinking helmet


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Her Royal Shakiness, The Queen Consort, has been told not to wear that big blingy crown with the massive diamond in the middle of it for her coronation. It has been alleged that it was stolen from the back of an auto rickshaw in Delhi - authorities have issued an international arrest warrant for the culprit. The photo-fit bears a surprising resemblance to the well-known monarch, and jewel thief, Queen Victoria - very Koh-i-Noorty.


A palace spokesperson said that Queen Shakey was delighted to swop an outmoded relic of the empire for something more contemporary. When it was pointed out to her that they were talking about the crown rather than Charles she hastily changed the subject.


'She is delighted to be wearing a golden novelty drinking helmet,' the spokesperson wittered. 'Her only request is that the plastic beer straw fitted to the contraption is swapped for a more elegant and lady-like gin straw.'





First published 16 Oct 2022


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Trump to tax Americans to the hilt to show Putin who is boss

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With the deadline for Russia to finish the war in Ukraine rapidly whizzing past, Trump has doubled down on the Russian President. He has ordered that tariffs (long spelling for import taxes) to be applied 'doubly, bigly and nowly' against non-existent Russian imports into the United States, adding to the huge hike in tariffs set against India for oil sold by India to Russia, presumably as long the oil is sold via the United States. Which it isn't, but hey-ho.


'We'll increase tariffs to one thousand per cent against anyone who says I don't understand how tariffs work,' quoted a spokesperson for the President.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

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Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that interested in watching soldiers marching about.


”I know mummy used to enjoy it, though God knows the ancient Greek always looked as bored as f*ck.


”Anyway, I’m King now and what I say goes. So please don’t expect me to sit through this bollocks again next year, all this stupid marching about for no reason. I mean, they don’t even look like real soldiers in those silly red uniforms and furry hats. No wonder we lost India. 


“And don’t get me started on the bloody Red Arrows. So you can fly close to each other belching out coloured smoke, whoopee doo-dah. Do you know how many bloody times I’ve seen that? Either learn a new trick or let me enjoy my birthday in my own way.


”And that’s another thing - it’s not even my birthday, it’s my official birthday, which is a load of bollocks, frankly. My actual birthday is on… well, I don’t recall, but one of my staff will know.”


Soon after the press release was sent out, the King’s Press Secretary returned from a short holiday, saying “Well, the ceremony looked splendid on TV as always. Anything much happen while I was away?”


image from pixabay


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