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Conservative economics 101



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While many are critical of the current party in power regarding the handling of the National economy, it is likely that most of the detractors are unaware of the parallel universe economics that are at play.


Take inflation, the measure of how rapidly costs are rising.  In standard economics inflation is strictly a derivative, a measure of the rate of change of value.  In Tory economics the definition depends on whether the rate of inflation is 'good' or 'bad'.  For example, inflation rising at 11% or so is obviously bad by any measure, but in Tory economics this is not only bad but not their fault - they don't control the external factors causing inflation such as war in Ukraine, price gouging by energy firms supporting the Tory party or by Brexit.  Ultimately it is the fault of the Bank of England that inflation is so high.


'Good' inflation, which is any fractional part of 'bad' inflation such as 6.5% (half), or 3.25% (quarter) or 2% (gnat's cock) is clearly thanks to the government who legally have no control over the Bank of England, but is obviously due to the price gouging energy firms gouging less thanks to the Tories, the war in Ukraine (and Gaza and several other places too mundane to mention) and of course, for unspecified reasons, due to Brexit. 


In the real universe the 6.5% and 3.25% are also bad, but in Tory economics these numbers prove prices are going down, which in the real world requires something real economists call deflation.  In real economics they indicate prices are still rising, but slower; in Tory economics deflation is bad for Tory donors, banks and hot air balloons.  It's also bad for those who actually have any residual cash not destroyed by the 11% inflation, but never acknowledged in either universe, but good for those who actually have to pay for stuff out of their own pocket.  Or for those companies that need to make stuff it should be a good thing, but the accountants would disagree.


In the next lesson we'll discuss political gravity, where down is up and 19% in the polls is really a good thing.


Cost of lettuces that outlast Prime Ministers now 20% higher than inflation



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In a move hoped to prevent newspapers using their produce for ridiculing ridiculous Prime Ministers, the Lettuce Growers Association has urged its members to increase the cost of lettuces by an above inflation amount. A spokespicker for the association said that although they thought the fact their lettuces last longer than Tory Prime Ministers was a fair comparison, it had damaged lettuce sales.


'We are proud of our quality produce and want everyone, especially children to enjoy a healthy diet, but the newspaper campaign was putting kids off lettuces. Parents were writing to use saying their kids were having nightmares on days they tried to make them eat lettuce because of the association with Liz Truss' the spokespicker told us. 'The only way we could prevent a recurrence, was to increase the price, so newspaper hacks would think twice before trying the stunt again.'


'BLTs be damned!'


Elsie Watts, who works in a newspaper accounts department, countered that the stunt was unlikely to be repeated. Watts rejected such a similar expense claim on the grounds that she didn’t think anyone would pay a thousand quid for a lettuce. 'It might work for MPs expenses' she said, 'but I can’t risk it here. It's more than my job's worth, particularly if we hacked the lettuce's answer phone.'


Government to adopt public school tactics over inflation


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Borrowers have been put on notice for further Bank of England interest rate rises after inflation in the UK unexpectedly remained stuck at 8.7% in May.


Ex-public schoolboy and Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, was rumoured to be entering No.10 wearing a teaching gown and mortar board he’d nicked from an old school master, muttering “The beatings will continue until the behaviour changes” as he twirled a cane.


Our economics correspondent says he thinks this is Sunak’s way of explaining to mortgage payers that if they continue to borrow money to feed and clothe their children, causing him to look silly for promising to halve inflation, he will adopt the same attitude his sports master did when he was caught puffing on his fag behind the bike shed by making interest rates even more punishing.






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