top of page


ree

Incredible and emotional scenes today across the UK as the Bank of England announced that the base interest rate would stay at 5.25%. Barely, as a clearly emotional Andrew Bailey, the Bank of England Governor, finished his sentence announcing the rate, loud cheers and beeping of horns could be heard across the country. Mr Bailey looked into the camera after the announcement and openly wept saying, "we did it guys, we only went and did it".


It was announced that schools were to be closed for the rest of the day and for tomorrow and a National Celebration called for. Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer crossed the floor of Parliament and warmly embraced after which the speaker threw his ceremonial gavel in the air and shouted, "let's go to the pub!!". There was a loud cheer and MPs spilled out on to the Westminster roads in scenes reminiscent of Fame, The Movie. Nigel Farage helped shocked immigrants from their boats on a Dover beach saying, "come on in, there's plenty for everyone now. Haven't you heard, it's stable at 5.25%". Police Officers stopped no one and searched no one, they simply smiled at passers by.


Reports are coming in of food banks closing by the dozens. The homeless are purposefully striding into Banks where they were met by staff giving out mortgages. The High Streets are awash with people stocking up for this most bountiful of Christmases.


5.25% is being seen as a Christmas miracle.


Photo by Alicja Ziajowska on Unsplash


ree

The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.


A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.


A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’


Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.




ree

The w@nk bank, a service used by a large number of males, has informed its customers that interest rates are rising, effective immediately. The already premium rate service is dubiously classified as a basic need, and depends on the ability of chaps to recall sexy things they've seen and committed to long term memory.


W@nk bank user Trevor Gums complained, 'It's up a further 7% overnight, and that's too stiff for me to continue. I just can't splash out on it anymore.'



image from pixabay

bottom of page