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A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon.  Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing consequences.


The closure is thought to be because the company is in trouble, or because the lease has ended, or because people don’t buy that sort of stuff any more, or because they are relocating to larger or smaller premises, or because of shoplifting, or because there was a cannabis farm in the roof.  The store is expected to cease trading later this year, or possibly next year.


We contacted staff members who were gutted by the closure plans. Jezza, who has worked at the store for a number of weeks, says that of all the minimum wage jobs he’s had, this is definitely one of them. He asked us not to mention the company products stuffed up his jumper, and said that he’d been asked to take them home for testing.


We contacted the company for comment, but their company policy is not to comment.   They did, however, comment that they have lots of branches and that there will still be a number of stores nearby.   They also said that store closures do happen fairly frequently, and the local media’s obsession with running stories about them was driving everyone at the company slightly nuts.


Colin, a shopper who has lived locally for 70 years, says that he is a big fan of the company’s products and that he finds them very useful.  He used to shop at the store every day, up until the restraining order. He says that the journey to the next nearest store is not difficult, although he can’t shop there either, for reasons that he wouldn’t disclose.


It’s the season of lazy journalism and news stories that barely meet the absolute minimum standard for being news.  At least the top internet searches of 2024 are, in some sense of the word, facts.  Kind of.


Anyway, here is the top ten:


1    (censored)

2    NSFW

3    Nope, can’t print that one either.

4    (redacted: mad, bad, and unkind to hamsters)

5    ***** ***** ***** Meghan and ***** ***** ***** Harry

6    Cute kitten videos (finally!)

7    (withdrawn on the very strong recommendation of the CIA)

8=  Recession, inflation, doom, interest rates, energy prices, war, famine, Rachel Reeves

9    (entry deleted, to deny E*** M*** the oxygen of publicity)

10  Are Russian bots pushing Reform messages into my social media, or am I just a bad person?


Picture credit: anirudh-wKeZstqxKTQ-unsplash.jpg

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