Irish Eyes smiling as Bono grants Pope an audience

Ireland's most saintly man, Bono, has announced he has granted Pope Francis an audience later this year. It's understood that the historic meeting will take place in August in Dublin and a full schedule is expected to be published on the band's website nearer the time.

A Vatican spokesman said: 'This will be a truly amazing event and The Holy Father is already counting down the days. He's a great admirer of Bono's tireless good works and the many miracles that have been attributed to him over the years.'

Speaking to Rolling Stone magazine in Dallas where U2 is in the middle of yet another world tour, Bono said: 'I thought the time was right for this meeting to go ahead. It will help legitimise The Pope's position around the world and indeed my acceptance of this will be seen as positive force globally.'

On hearing the news, the Dalai Lama commented: 'I'm not familiar with this Pope fellow, but if Bono is happy enough to meet with him then that is fine by me.'

Photo by Liu JiaWei on Unsplash

Republic of Ireland seeks veto over unification

With the Northern Ireland Assembly led by a nationalist for the first time, and many predicting a vote on Irish unification within 10 years, politicians in the Republic have said it might be nice if someone asked their opinion about it.

'People talk as if this only affects Westminster and Belfast,' said a spokesman for Fine Gael. 'But what makes them assume we want to take on responsibility for the north?

'You've got two of the maddest bunches of mentalists the world has ever seen. The unionists will be more pissed off than ever if unification happens, and you can’t tell me the nationalists will just disband and go home because they’ve achieved their aim. This is Ireland, after all - they'll find something to feel aggrieved about.

'OK, if it came down to it, we’d probably bite the bullet - ideally a hypothetical bullet - and say yes. But it would be nice if someone at least thought to ask.'

Meanwhile the British Prime Minister said he was opposed to a united Ireland, because without the role of Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, he’d have to think of another way to punish colleagues who’d seriously pissed him off.

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Philosophers baffled as non-existent Northern Irish government goes on strike

Philosophers at the University of Belfast have admitted they’re baffled to learn that the government of Northern Ireland, which effectively hasn’t existed for two years, has gone on strike.

No one can now remember what caused the Stormont Assembly acrimoniously to break up two years ago, though it’s thought one side described it as “a legitimate and peaceful demand” and the other as “Popish knavery”.

Whatever the reason, Northern Ireland has effectively had no government since then, leading many to wonder exactly who or what has gone on strike today.

”Can a man who is already doing nothing cease to do it?” mused Professor Patrick Fitzgerald. “Wouldn’t that mean he was doing something? It’s a knotty one…”

His colleague, noted Descartes expert Professor Gerald Fitzpatrick, decided it was best not to think about it and promptly ceased to exist, at which point he was invited to become Minister for Transport.

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