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Republic of Ireland seeks veto over unification



With the Northern Ireland Assembly led by a nationalist for the first time, and many predicting a vote on Irish unification within 10 years, politicians in the Republic have said it might be nice if someone asked their opinion about it.


'People talk as if this only affects Westminster and Belfast,' said a spokesman for Fine Gael. 'But what makes them assume we want to take on responsibility for the north?


'You've got two of the maddest bunches of mentalists the world has ever seen. The unionists will be more pissed off than ever if unification happens, and you can’t tell me the nationalists will just disband and go home because they’ve achieved their aim. This is Ireland, after all - they'll find something to feel aggrieved about.

'OK, if it came down to it, we’d probably bite the bullet - ideally a hypothetical bullet - and say yes. But it would be nice if someone at least thought to ask.'


Meanwhile the British Prime Minister said he was opposed to a united Ireland, because without the role of Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, he’d have to think of another way to punish colleagues who’d seriously pissed him off.


Philosophers baffled as non-existent Northern Irish government goes on strike

Philosophers at the University of Belfast have admitted they’re baffled to learn that the government of Northern Ireland, which effectively hasn’t existed for two years, has gone on strike.


No one can now remember what caused the Stormont Assembly acrimoniously to break up two years ago, though it’s thought one side described it as “a legitimate and peaceful demand” and the other as “Popish knavery”.


Whatever the reason, Northern Ireland has effectively had no government since then, leading many to wonder exactly who or what has gone on strike today.


”Can a man who is already doing nothing cease to do it?” mused Professor Patrick Fitzgerald. “Wouldn’t that mean he was doing something? It’s a knotty one…”


His colleague, noted Descartes expert Professor Gerald Fitzpatrick, decided it was best not to think about it and promptly ceased to exist, at which point he was invited to become Minister for Transport.


image from pixabay

“This is not who we are” says Irish PM who’s evidently never been to Ireland



Taoiseach of Ireland Leo Varadkar has expressed his horror at the recent rioting in Dublin, saying “This is not who we are”. This has led some to wonder whether he has ever visited the country he runs.


“Just because we’re so prone to violence that the country next door can’t vote to leave the EU without us kicking off, that doesn’t mean we’re in any way prone to violence. Nor should people read anything into the fact that communities in the north of the island have to have a ‘peace wall’ down the middle so the residents don’t kill each other.


“None of this explains the utterly unprecedented and baffling outbreak of violence in Dublin last night. Is it any wonder the Gardai didn’t know how to respond to a problem they never in a million years expected to face?”


He went on to say that the Irish had no great love of Guinness, betting on horses or the colour green, and that shops in Dublin definitely weren’t full of mugs and tea towels with leprechauns on them.




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